WTFery?!

Cookies, you have posed a very interesting question that not many people think about when it comes to personal computer maintenance. The downside to your question is that it has a very complex answer. The way you phrased it tosses a large net over a topic that’s very specific that has many tiny cogs and gears to consider. But, if we were to cast the large net, we would say, yes; downloading files does add weight to your computer. But, if we were to get down to the nitty gritty, we’d discover that different files carry with them different weights that can add to your hard drive’s heft.

Simple files (like anything Microsoft office produces, for example)weigh in at only a couple of grams each; so having a lot of saved .docs and .xls files shouldn’t be too much of a problem, unless of course, you have an old and heavily used hard drive. The real problem comes in to play when you’re downloading larger files, like songs or videos. But, again, we can’t cast a large net here, because it’s the specifics that count.

If you’re downloading entire season of Two And A Half Men, your computer may be as light and airy as a mid-afternoon biscuit, as the files aren’t as weighed down by high caliber writing, non-clichéd premises, and genuine emotion that isn’t be manipulated out of you by a cringe-worthy laugh track. Conversely, just one episode of Breaking Bad can add a pound to a pound-and-a-half of weight due to the show’s high quality drama and intense “Holy Shit!” moments. The point is, the higher the quality of the file, the heavier the computer.

Here’s a handy guide for downloading TV Shows:

Heavy: 30 Rock, Arrested Development, Firefly, Dexter, Battlestar Galactica, Community, Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Seinfeld, Spaced.

Light: Everything else.

But the biggest way for your computer to pack on the digital pounds is with pornography. Your average video of a man and a women engaging in raunchy, non-procreation-based copulation can add a something in the neighborhood of 7 or 8 ounces. A video of a woman with a bunch of lawn ornaments all up in her can weigh 12 ounces.

But there, on the far end of the heavy porn spectrum, lies Shiza porn. Shiza porn (aka, people pooping on each other – typically Europeans) is commonly known as one of the most sexually satisfying things to masturbate to dense forms of pornography you can download to your computer, weighing in at an average of 14 ounces per file. If you have a rather robust and pungent collection of shiza porn, then you’re looking at a hard drive that’s being weighed down by upwards of 83 pounds of digital shit.

Carrying around that much shit can add a lot of stress to the lower back and neck; and you’ll quickly discover that the only new friends you’re making are the kind that have swastika tattoos on their lower backs, and a vast and varied collection of Victorian Era anti-Semitic French erotica.

We Hope We’ve Helped!

I met this woman on face-pic and we exchanged emails. What follows is a transcript of our 2nd conversation (our first being a casual, ‘hi how are you doing?’ kinda vibe). I took the slight mickey out of her because of her fastness (and because I am wicked and bad, and idle and will one day go to hell – lol). Enjoy!!

[email protected] just sent you a nudge.

[email protected] says:
hello
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
hello u.
[email protected] says:
how are u doing today
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
am ok!!
[email protected] says:
can we talk now?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
go for it!
[email protected] says:
i have really miss u
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
have ya. that’s nice.
[email protected] says:
ok
[email protected] says:
and how is work doing
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
work is doing fine. how are you?
[email protected] says:
and your lifl there
[email protected] says:
cool
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
great. fandabbydoozie!
[email protected] says:
is jes i have a lit promble
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Oh no!!! WHAT???
[email protected] says:
but i feel sham to tall u my love
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Pray tell.
[email protected] says:
can u promiss that u will help me whan i tall u?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
I dunno. am a wonderful man. i help everyone!
[email protected] says:
ok
[email protected] says:
is that me internet lines has discanated
[email protected] says:
and need to pay befor they can raconated it for me

[email protected] just sent you a nudge.

[email protected] says:
are u there
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
OH NO!!! That’s horrible.
[email protected] says:
so i need some money for that
[email protected] says:
and u are the onle one i have now
[email protected] says:
pls help me

[email protected] just sent you a nudge.

s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says::
let me get this straight… U can’t poo?
[email protected] says:
oh why ?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Pooo u can’t poo poo?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
u r asking me to help you poo?????
[email protected] says:
yes my love
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Is it a big poo??? or a little poo?
[email protected] says:
i know is big poo
[email protected] says:
but mt love try and help me
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
U want me to help you with the poo.
[email protected] says:
yes my love
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
is it pretty stinky your poo?
[email protected] says:
why are u saying that to me ?
[email protected] says:
pls i know u can help me
[email protected] says:
pls
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
with your big poo?
[email protected] says:
any of them pls
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
with any of your poos?
[email protected] says:
i need 150 dorrs
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
you want me to help u with 150 big poos?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
big, stinky poos?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
U like poos then?
[email protected] says:
love what is the maening of poos

[email protected] just sent you a nudge.

[email protected] just sent you a nudge.

[email protected] says:
love now u can send the 150$
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Poo? you know poo….
[email protected] says:
pounds or euro
[email protected] says:
150 pounds
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says::
NO. Poo.
[email protected] says:
ok send it
[email protected] says:
will u
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
u want me to send to you my poo?
[email protected] says:
yes love
[email protected] says:
if u want
[email protected] says:
and when will u send it
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
My poo is all for you!!
[email protected] says:
luv pl z try explane the mean of poo
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
It’s what comes out of your bottom. poo.
[email protected] says:
love is poo mean to deficate
[email protected] says:
so love u are the only one GOd has chose to me plz help me
[email protected] says:
ok
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
yes
[email protected] says:
i need to paid my inter net bell
[email protected] says:
wo they will desconet it
[email protected] says:
plz
[email protected] says:
friday
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
poo is to defecate…
[email protected] says:
is love
[email protected] says:
plz go to google
[email protected] says:
ok
[email protected] says:
u will find the meand
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
I can’t send my poo by google.
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
it might be runny.
[email protected] says:
love i need the money on western union money transfer
[email protected] says:
on thursday
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
MONEY???? You want me for money?????
[email protected] says:
but i will go th bank on friday
[email protected] says:
yes
[email protected] says:
love
[email protected] says:
u know my internet bill
[email protected] says:
or they will desconet it
[email protected] says:
plz love try u best ok
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Oh, i thought u were interested in my poo. U lied. I thought u loved my poo. all brown and runny.
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Love me. love my poo.
[email protected] says:
love plz if u send frist i will
[email protected] says:
love the poo
[email protected] says:
love if u love me will not give poo to u lover
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
will u eat my poo?
[email protected] says:
no love
[email protected] says:
i see plz send it
[email protected] says:
frist
[email protected] says:
love my time ids up see tomoro ok
[email protected] says:
try and send it
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
ok. i will send poo tomorrow!! Bye.
[email protected] says:
the money my mail me
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
bye
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
bye love
[email protected] says:
have a good day
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
have a good poo.
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Bye
[email protected] says:
(L)(L)(L)

Yes, I took the pee (or poo) slightly… but come on!!! How can you ask a complete stranger for money??? WTF??? Anyhoo… for anyone out there? Feel free to send poo to Miss Emelia… it might help her internet reconnection!!!

Never Yours,

Malcolm Vex (The Vexorcist)