1. Let’s get the basics out of the way first. I’m not being funny, honey, but quality pussy has a price on it. Yes, it is true some women don’t know their worth but if you want the good pussy then you need to cough up.

2. I don’t know who told scores of men that women’s vaginas functioned like men’s penises. We do not just spring to attention like men. To get this spring flowing needs nurturing. I think a few tender licks to the clit will be sufficient.

3. Men, it’s all well and good for you to demand that your woman be fresh and smell fresh – nobody likes bad smells. However, before you say that ‘women’s pussies smell like fish’ how about you grate off the cheese hidden under your foreskin. Just to let you know, women’s bits clean themselves, too, thank you!

4. How would you feel if somebody poked their finger up your butt? A lot of you will probably feel punked. That’s how we start to feel if you forget to kiss us or always insist on doggystyle. It makes us feel cheap.

5. Men, please watch porn. Please. I can give you pointers on how to get me off but I’m not about to pause and give you a lesson on how to thrust and move a tool I do not have when I’m rearing to go. If you’re insisting on having sex with me, please know what you’re doing.

6. Regardless of what the Jamaican dancehall musicians state, ‘daggering’ is only good if your cock is up to a certain height. Big Boys, leave it to the Small Guys. Do not attempt to ‘dagger’ me so hard you’re touching my womb if you’re built like a Pepsi bottle. Women love sex but we value fertility more.

7. I was well on my way to finally mastering the deepthroat but then…you shoved my face further down your cock in excitement. I choked, my throat closed up and I almost puked. Sometimes a bit of patience is needed. Otherwise next time you do that, I’ll leave with your dick in my mouth. You’ve been warned.

8. I love how men fling you about and into different positions during sex like you’re a weightless doll. Yes, I am being sarcastic.

9. Fellas, contrary to popular belief, there is such thing as giving bad cunnilingus. Some of you have dry tongues that feel like sandpaper, others chew and chomp like we’re pieces of chicken. We prefer tender, firm, wet licks that hit the target.

10. Having said that, it’s 2010, baby. If you aren’t going down, you’re not sticking around. Case closed.

11. I know that all the players make taking off a bra seem easy. But seriously, babes, if you can’t just let me do it. Feeling you fumble for a minute or two kind of wounds the mood.

12. Lasting for a minute is fine. Occasionally. When it becomes a habit, we have a problem. Then we cheat, tell our friends or make songs. Remember Missy and Trina?

13. On the other hand, lasting for five hours is marvellous but sweetie, I dry up after one. Maybe one and a half max. I’m not an energiser bunny. And I’m not that fit. Plus, my mind starts to wander: ‘have I done the ironing? What time is it? Was my assignment good? I wonder who killed Tupac?’

14. With this one, all I ask is that you understand. With the amount of men that love to try and dodge the Dom we would love to have a cupboard full of them. It makes sense and the cost per unit would be much cheaper due to economies of scale. However, please understand that most men would judge us and assume we are sluts rather than safe. And even if we are or are not sluts, we still don’t want you to think we are. Therefore, it’s always better if you have them.
15. Sex is the only time when ugly faces are allowed. It doesn’t kill the mood it enhances it. But if I open my eyes and see you staring at me while you’re drilling me like a machine, it’s kind of creepy. Please, stop it or I’ll call the feds. You look like a rapist.

16. Guys, if you pour on all the game and sweet talk, and then kiss and lick all my erogenous zones and get me soaking wet I feel cum on my legs and then we fuck – you have no fucking right to turn around and call me easy. You made it impossible to resist!

17. A lot of guys love it when I queef but to those who get grossed out, if my pussy farts it’s YOUR fault!

18. Sweetie, if you want, spunk on me. You pick: my stomach, my back, my arse…but if you do, you have to wipe it off. Its logic.

19. Additionally, personally, I don’t spit because it’s impolite. But for the women that don’t want cum in their mouths, don’t do it if they don’t want it. I know a woman that will spit that shit back in your face. Just a warning.

20. I can’t speak for every female but I’ll tell you why I fake orgasms. I’ve never had a male-induced orgasm. I tell men this, they become so obsessed with my orgasm that they forget to enjoy the moment. And then that’s when they try and last for hours and I get bored by then. So, sometimes its easier to be extra loud at a point, grab the sheets, screw up the face then say you came when you didn’t. Its not that he’s bad, its just I don’t want him to judge his performance based on my inability to orgasm. I’m trying to be considerate.

21. Don’t expect head if you won’t kiss me after. If you don’t think your own juices are clean then the fact that you let me swallow it is an insult.

22. Last but not least – be honest. If you love me, let me know. If you’re confused, let me know. If you only want to fuck me, goodness, let me know! Who knows, I might just want to fuck too but give me the chance to say yes or no.

Many thanks to Nikita Nicks for writing this fantastic post.

Please comment and add your thoughts.

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can’t just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don’t, it’s your own fault when he’s snoozing and you’re all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It’s a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it’s not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that’s nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I don’t know who comes up with half that shit, but I’m pretty sure they need counselling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he’s pushing, skippy? Because you aren’t doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he’s given you. Pay attention to the signals that he’s sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He’s about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. I’m pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the Amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don’t want to go bare. That’s fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can’t shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That’s as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you’re ragging. He didn’t do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he’s hormonal, I suggest you get some knee-pads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you’re having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like “I stubbed my toe” “I ran up the steps” or “I was putting up drywall”.

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you’re sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it’s just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn’t be having sex anyway. Go back to Secondary School.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn’t be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissin’ quickies because it’s not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There’s an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn’t acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it’s an invitation, don’t look surprised when he “accidentally” sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If you’re shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. There’s no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn’t suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you’re riding him. It’s your body, you’re used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner’s hand when he’s touching you. Don’t like the way he’s doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn’t. Its your choice to stop, but don’t look all fucking surprised when he’s confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So you are a  feminist… Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn’t make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. Its OK to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It’s not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don’t ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn’t want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of “making love“. You’re not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it’s hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It’s how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is OK. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You’re having sex. That will happen. That’s the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he’s the best you’ve had, even if he isn’t.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don’t. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he’s doing everything right. And if he doesn’t know its not working, he’s not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of un-fulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven’t showered that day, and things smell a little…fishy…perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don’t care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They’ll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with make-up on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he’s probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like “it happens to every guy”. Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn’t, get off another way with him. He’s still capable of getting you off. Mumbling “Forget it” and rolling over are not OK.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of “was it good for you?”. Now is not a good time to ask “What this means”. Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

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If you’re anything like me, your sexual encounters are usually pretty awkward. Once you’ve been with a girlfriend or boyfriend for a while, they get used to your particular style and you’re in the clear, but you’ll never reach that point if you don’t make it past first-time sex with a new partner. Here are the 7 Stages of First-Time Sex with Someone:

1. The “Determining if You’re Going to Have Sex” Stage

A lot of people flirt in social situations, and sometimes it’s incredibly difficult to determine if someone is actually interested in you, or if they just want attention and that feeling of power that comes from a good, rigorous cock-teasing. Luckily, the rules are totally different in one-on-one situations, and there are very few people who can be deliberately sexually misleading when it’s just the two of you. Those people are known as “girlfriends” and they tend to operate like an M. Night Shyamalan film, they always make it seem like something is going to happen, and then you suddenly realize that you’ve spent the last two hours listening to her talk shit about something that you don’t give a shit about.

Other than that, if you’re getting strong sexual vibes from someone that you’re alone with, then there’s a pretty good chance that he or she is interested in having sex with you. Your intuition about sex in this situation works the same way as the intuition that you get when you find mysterious leftovers in your refrigerator: whatever you immediately think it is, there’s a really good chance that you’re right.

2. The “Psyching Yourself Up” Stage

There are two ways to psych yourself: up, and out. Try to avoid the latter at this stage. Psyching yourself up for sex is pretty easy. Just try to picture any porn that you’ve ever watched. You know how sometimes you saw the guy’s face, and it made you really uncomfortable? Well, imagine those parts, and put your face on his body. The vision of you banging a hot pornstar in your head will do the trick for you. If you’re still having trouble, just keep reminding yourself that you’re going to be having sex pretty soon, and that first-time sex is a lot like one of those weird carnivals that you see in public parks: it’s kind of creepy, and really sweaty, and there’s a good chance that it’s not going to be safe at all, but afterwards you’ll be glad that you experienced and survived it, and at the very least you’ll get a good story out of it.

3. The “Physical Checklist” Stage

This stage pretty much goes hand-in-hand with the previous stage. Shortly after psyching yourself up for sex, you’ll start to think about the physical state of your balls, and how that might effect the outcome of your evening. How long has it been since you last showered? Do your balls smell like the lunch buffet at an Indian restaurant? What pants are you wearing today? The ones that breathe pretty well, or some stuffy jeans that you found in your dirty laundry underneath a jerk off sock? When is the last time you trimmed your pubes? Did you wipe your ass really well after the last time you dropped a deuce? All of these things will run through your mind in a millisecond. Imagine that you’re a small, malnourished Filipino child at the end of a Nike assembly line: if you’ve missed something and you don’t catch it, there’s a good chance your day is going to end with someone saying, “go back to the hole you came from. You disgust me!”

The important thing to remember is that, at this stage, it probably doesn’t matter that much, unless you’ve determined that, say, it’s been three weeks since your last shower, or that you just shit your pants an hour ago. Otherwise, you’re probably okay.

4. The “Do I Care if the Other Person Enjoys It?” Stage

Like it or not, this is a pre-sex stage that you’re going to have to deal with. It’s very important to determine whether or not you care if your partner enjoys the experience or not, because this will determine how you perform in the heat of the action. There are several factors that come into play when making this determination: are you ever going to see this person again after tonight? Do you ever want to see this person again? Will this person converse with someone else that you’d eventually like to have sex with? The answer to these questions will help you to better determine your course of action as the evening plays itself out. It’s like deciding if you can eat your friend before embarking on a 19th century fur-trapping expedition with them in the dead of winter: sure, you’re not planning on consuming them to survive, but it’s definitely something that you should keep in mind, just in case.

5. The “Actually Having Sex” Stage

The “Actually Having Sex” Stage is easily the most difficult to manage. When you’re having sex, everything is as blurry as that scene in Taken where Liam Neeson is driving down the wrong side of the street at 100mph. Your mind is overwhelmed, and thinking too much is only going to hurt you.

It’s best to just sit back, relax, and try to focus on something. Welcome the tunnel vision that comes naturally, and just focus on whatever is right in front of you. If it’s a boob or a butt cheek, grab it. If it’s any other body part, kiss it or lick it, depending on how things are unfolding. You probably won’t have much time in this stage, so attempting to analyse anything is just going to be a waste of valuable time and focus, like a half-time speech from Alan Hansen. It’ll be over soon enough, anyway.

6. The “Excuses” Stage

Having sex is like murdering someone: if it goes well, you don’t need an excuse. Unfortunately, most of the time it’s incredibly messy, and you’re thinking “Jesus Christ, what the fuck was I thinking?! I need to get out of here right now.” At this point, usually you’ll come up with a variety of excuses to explain your shit sexual performance, ranging from “this never happens to me” to “you were making a noise, so I thought that you were liking what I was doing”. The important thing to remember here is to never apologize, no matter how terrible your performance was, and then attempt to fade off into obscurity and only show up when there’s a party you absolutely have to attend.

7. The “Should I Eat Something Before I Leave?” Stage

When you have sex, your body goes into a primal stage; you’ve satisfied the impulse for procreation, and now it demands that you feed yourself. Unfortunately, your body doesn’t take into account “pulling out and accidentally shooting your ejaculate onto a picture of your date’s deceased relative”. So, you then use your evolved brain to decide whether or not the situation is too awkward to feed yourself. A good way to tell if this is the case or not is to ask yourself: “if this were a movie starring Seth Rogen, would studio executives immediately green-light a sequel?” If the answer is yes, then it’s already far beyond awkward, and it can’t get any worse. You might as well help yourself to whatever is in the fridge before you head out.

I met this woman on face-pic and we exchanged emails. What follows is a transcript of our 2nd conversation (our first being a casual, ‘hi how are you doing?’ kinda vibe). I took the slight mickey out of her because of her fastness (and because I am wicked and bad, and idle and will one day go to hell – lol). Enjoy!!

[email protected] just sent you a nudge.

[email protected] says:
hello
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
hello u.
[email protected] says:
how are u doing today
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
am ok!!
[email protected] says:
can we talk now?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
go for it!
[email protected] says:
i have really miss u
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
have ya. that’s nice.
[email protected] says:
ok
[email protected] says:
and how is work doing
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
work is doing fine. how are you?
[email protected] says:
and your lifl there
[email protected] says:
cool
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
great. fandabbydoozie!
[email protected] says:
is jes i have a lit promble
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Oh no!!! WHAT???
[email protected] says:
but i feel sham to tall u my love
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Pray tell.
[email protected] says:
can u promiss that u will help me whan i tall u?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
I dunno. am a wonderful man. i help everyone!
[email protected] says:
ok
[email protected] says:
is that me internet lines has discanated
[email protected] says:
and need to pay befor they can raconated it for me

[email protected] just sent you a nudge.

[email protected] says:
are u there
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
OH NO!!! That’s horrible.
[email protected] says:
so i need some money for that
[email protected] says:
and u are the onle one i have now
[email protected] says:
pls help me

[email protected] just sent you a nudge.

s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says::
let me get this straight… U can’t poo?
[email protected] says:
oh why ?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Pooo u can’t poo poo?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
u r asking me to help you poo?????
[email protected] says:
yes my love
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Is it a big poo??? or a little poo?
[email protected] says:
i know is big poo
[email protected] says:
but mt love try and help me
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
U want me to help you with the poo.
[email protected] says:
yes my love
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
is it pretty stinky your poo?
[email protected] says:
why are u saying that to me ?
[email protected] says:
pls i know u can help me
[email protected] says:
pls
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
with your big poo?
[email protected] says:
any of them pls
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
with any of your poos?
[email protected] says:
i need 150 dorrs
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
you want me to help u with 150 big poos?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
big, stinky poos?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
U like poos then?
[email protected] says:
love what is the maening of poos

[email protected] just sent you a nudge.

[email protected] just sent you a nudge.

emelia_addae20[email protected] says:
love now u can send the 150$
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Poo? you know poo….
[email protected] says:
pounds or euro
[email protected] says:
150 pounds
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says::
NO. Poo.
[email protected] says:
ok send it
[email protected] says:
will u
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
u want me to send to you my poo?
[email protected] says:
yes love
[email protected] says:
if u want
[email protected] says:
and when will u send it
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
My poo is all for you!!
[email protected] says:
luv pl z try explane the mean of poo
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
It’s what comes out of your bottom. poo.
[email protected] says:
love is poo mean to deficate
[email protected] says:
so love u are the only one GOd has chose to me plz help me
[email protected] says:
ok
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
yes
[email protected] says:
i need to paid my inter net bell
[email protected] says:
wo they will desconet it
[email protected] says:
plz
[email protected] says:
friday
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
poo is to defecate…
[email protected] says:
is love
[email protected] says:
plz go to google
[email protected] says:
ok
[email protected] says:
u will find the meand
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
I can’t send my poo by google.
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
it might be runny.
[email protected] says:
love i need the money on western union money transfer
[email protected] says:
on thursday
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
MONEY???? You want me for money?????
[email protected] says:
but i will go th bank on friday
[email protected] says:
yes
[email protected] says:
love
[email protected] says:
u know my internet bill
[email protected] says:
or they will desconet it
[email protected] says:
plz love try u best ok
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Oh, i thought u were interested in my poo. U lied. I thought u loved my poo. all brown and runny.
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Love me. love my poo.
[email protected] says:
love plz if u send frist i will
[email protected] says:
love the poo
[email protected] says:
love if u love me will not give poo to u lover
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
will u eat my poo?
[email protected] says:
no love
[email protected] says:
i see plz send it
[email protected] says:
frist
[email protected] says:
love my time ids up see tomoro ok
[email protected] says:
try and send it
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
ok. i will send poo tomorrow!! Bye.
[email protected] says:
the money my mail me
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
bye
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
bye love
[email protected] says:
have a good day
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
have a good poo.
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Bye
[email protected] says:
(L)(L)(L)

Yes, I took the pee (or poo) slightly… but come on!!! How can you ask a complete stranger for money??? WTF??? Anyhoo… for anyone out there? Feel free to send poo to Miss Emelia… it might help her internet reconnection!!!

Never Yours,

Malcolm Vex (The Vexorcist)

I’m sorry but I totally thing this Air Sex Shit is soooo Gay. Stop humping the AIR you PUSSIES and get yourself some of the real deal. I feel sorry for that piece of furniture they gangbang… What a violation!!
I can’t believe it has now become a competitive sport: http://www.airsexworldchampionships.com/

Dear Dategirl,

My girlfriend and I are starting to realize that she is a masochist, or at least interested in very rough sex. We are both pretty open-minded people, so experimentation in bed is not uncommon. However, in recent days, we have talked about rougher sex. She seems very into the idea. I won’t lie, I can’t help but feel turned on by her wanting to be fucked harder. But I’m no sadist and feel totally lost when it comes to giving pain. She clearly wants to be hit, but what does that mean? (Spankings are already in my tool bag, FYI.) What are my limits? I tried asking her, but I get the feeling that she doesn’t know, and the act of talking it out and planning it takes away from the whole point.

—Over My Head

One thing I’m certain of is that good communication is generally the key to great sex, but it’s never as important as with BDSM. I mean, someone could get hurt! Because I’m a bit of a wuss when it comes to rough stuff, I called in an expert to help you kids figure things out.

Lolita Wolf is an emeritus board member of the Eulenspiegel Society, and has been an active member of the BDSM scene since you were in short pants. Not only that, she’s written two books—one on cock-and-ball play, in case your girlfriend gets the urge to turn the tables. You can check out her blog at www.leatheryenta.com.

Of your girlfriend, Wolf says, “Just liking rough sex by itself does not make her a masochist. Not everyone gets off with gentle loving. Some of us need a bit more stimulation.”

Hear that? Don’t be so quick to classify. But whether that stimulation comes from nipple clamps or an inner-thigh flogging, what’s clear is that by not talking about what you expect from each other, you’re asking for a world of pain. (Not the kind that gets you off.) Wolf agreed, saying there has to be an agreement between you two: “If they are doing resistance play, then a formal safeword is a good idea. If she likes to resist and say ‘Stop! Stop!’ but doesn’t really mean it—and that can be very exciting—then they need a word like ‘red’ or ‘aardvark’…something that makes it clear that the action has to stop.”

Wolf understands your discomfort with inflicting pain. “All their lives guys have been taught to not hit girls. But some women want to be manhandled!” She suggests that you “remember that there is a difference between hurt and harm.” When you give your girlfriend what she’s asking for—even if it looks uncomfortable to you—you’re making her happy. Just be sure you don’t cross the line and harm her while you’re hurting her. Capisce?

Maybe your ladyfriend is having trouble articulating what she wants, but if you sit down and discuss boundaries, she’ll start to figure it out. This is the safest thing for both of you—if she’s looking for a light flick of a switch and you deliver a wallop, that’s just going to get ugly. It’s a good idea to have this conversation fully clothed and in a nonsexual state of mind. That way you can figure out what she wants and what you’re capable of delivering, and still have a sense of spontaneity when you finally get around to the sex.

Wolf advises you to start slowly. Because spankings are already part of your play, she suggests you “up the ante by using a paddle, [but] make sure you know where is safe to hit.” Wolf continues, “Increase the swats incrementally. Watch your partner, read the body language, and listen to how they breathe and what they say.”

Hopefully it won’t be “aardvark.”