I like the last part:

Up to 100% effective*

*when used in conjunction with a condom or withdrawal.

Effectiveness is reduced if sexual intercourse occurrs during ovulation

Fetal ingredients obtained strictly from miscarriages

Oh, good, as long as they come from DEAD babies.

This is the way the mind imagines awareness, but everything is within awareness, not separate from it, including one’s bulging ego stick. When you are in your car, be in your car. Drive, she said.

Courting…

Who the fuck courts anymore?

Who even knows how to court anymore?

One of the lost arts of a lost generation I guess…

Courting, in its prime, was the shit…

The term courting goes back to yesteryear when man used to roll on horseback
and smoke signals was the internet.
According to the dictionary, courting is to ‘seek the affections of or to
perform actions in order to attract for mating.’

For me, back in the day when I was in my youthful prime, courting took on
many different forms and allowed boys and girls to be able to break the ice
and introduce each other to the real way they feel.
Courting in my day was being able to separate a girl from her friends and
talk to her enough that you may possibly get a phone number (house phone).
If you can get the house number, then its time for conversation. If you had
good game, your next step will be a date (probably Trocadero or the cinema)
and after that, if you were able to get some fingering then you had scored.

You courted that shit RIGHT!

Today, as a grown ass man, courting has taken a technological turn down the
road of hellfire and damnation. The drivers of this vehicle that are taking
courting down that road are MySpace, FaceBook, Twitter and BlackBerry
Messenger.
Fuck it, the Internet itself.

The world wide web did for courting what Jesus Juice did for Michael
Jackson… didn’t help the case.
Before the creation of sites such as BlackPlanet (REEEEH, remember BP?)
people used to talk to each other face-to-face because that was the only way
they could communicate. Now, people are having two year relationships with
people ONLINE who they have never met or even heard their voice.

How can you taste the nuance of a person if you can’t see them talking?
Where do you have the time to bathe in their essence when they want to say
your name and it sounds like a PING? Can you tell whether they will be a
good fuck just by looking at an avatar?!
NO!
(Well kinda… depends on the angle of the picture, lol)

And that’s what courting was for.

Today, man are pissed if the girl in question isn’t banging them by the
second date and women are coming round to the idea that just ANY man will
not do and needs to come correct.

(DISCLAIMER: Not all women think this way. Some of you have ya heads on
straight and know what you want, where you want it and when. But those
ladies who are just happy to have dick in their life, fix up! Want more for
yaself!)

The art has courting has been reduced to fibre optics and ringtones that
tell you that someone is talking to you.

But what about the simple pleasures like the first conversation?

Yeah technology today makes things easier to HAVE conversations but, you
first have to create a digital avatar of yourself to RESPRESENT you and
portray who you want to be, even if it isn’t you.

But with conversation… real, voice-to-voice,
‘I’m-not-even-thinking-about-my-phone-bill-cuz-I’m-so-into this’
conversation’, you are able to speak to the person.

Hear their voice.
Listen to their laugh.
The nuances of their personality.
Learn what makes them laugh.
Those double meanings in conversation (HIM: So when are we gonna do it? HER:
Excuse me?)

Courting is a science.
An act of trying to get from a friend (or worst, the friends zone) to
someone who knows how to make her come and blackout afterwards.
Courting was, and still is for those veterans of the game, a way to be able
to break the ice with a potential mate and learn things about them. Things
that, had you not known beforehand, might’ve pissed you off about them and
made you think twice about chatting to them.

That’s what youts today are missing out on.

The learning.

The build up.

The anticipation.

The day you take courting from innocent conversation to a sex conversation.

You guys are missing the best shit…

Trust me, pussy is 10 times better when:

A)    You had to work REALLY hard for it

B)    You got it as a result of your hard courting work…

C)    The courting game you put in actually worked.

Society today is now now NOW…fast fast fast… I wanna be rich and famous
without working for it, I wannabe a singer or actor NOW, I want sex straight
away, I wanna fuck a celebrity and become a celebrity in my own right, if
that person has it, I want it too…

But the fine art of courting is dying out and giving way to an easier,
quicker, achieving faster results style of courting which someone is using
right now to get some.

You probably know them or they are sending you messages right now. They’re
asking you for a picture or asking about something you do sexually. Or they
say good morning to you in the hope you will send them a message back and
the ‘digital courting’ session can begin.

Ya parents did it, ya grandparents did it, you may have even thought about
it… but there is no better sense of accomplishment when you can speak to
someone of the opposite sex and get their name, age, phone number, blog
address even or an email address just from the gift of your gab.

When… no IF… you get some as a result (cuz you may not have complete game)
then you will feel like you earned it, you deserve it and you can get ANYONE
in the world with your courting game if you wanted.

Jill Scott, watch out, I’m coming for you…

BLOG: http://mrohyes.wordpress.com
Twitter: MrOhYes
FaceBook: Mista Oh
Email: [email protected]

Author of the Little Black Book trilogy…

Little Black Book – OUT NOW
Little Black Book 2 – Feb 2011
Little Black Book 3 – Feb 2012

–
Twitter/Myspace: Mr Oh Yes
FaceBook: Little Black Book

http://www.youtube.com/user/YesMrOh

E-mail: misterohyes@
live.co.uk, yahoo.co.uk, googlemail.com

Little Black Book – OUT NOW

ISBN: 978-0-7552-1144-9

“Now Craig, you know what your problem is? You have no game!”

(Friday)

That scene in Friday made every man cringe. To hear your own mother tell you that your problem with the ladies is that you have no game is a fate worse than losing your house keys when you need to pee.

But maybe mama’s got a point. Because there are plenty of men out there who have no style and finesse when it comes to the initial ice breaker between men and women.

Some men shy away from it and are pissed off AFTER the pretty woman has passed them by. But there is a larger section of swagger-filled men who come up with the most audacious, insane, borderline disrespectful chat up lines which sound comedic at first until you realise that they’re being serious.

Be it cultural diifferences, your social status, or your confidence level, there are 101, and then some, ways to approach a woman successfully. They may not work on every woman but every situation and woman is different. And it’s up to you, sir, as the delivery man, to know when and where to use the appropriate manoeuvre to get the necessary, positive response you always hope for.

Plus you have to be strong enough as a man to take the rejection if it comes. Even if it hits like a Peggy Mitchell slap.

You cannot tell a man how to approach a woman, he has to figure out for himself.  Only he will know when its time to go from ashy to classy.

It’s impossible to tell a guy whose ice breaker sounds like ‘oi, come ere’ to stop using it, especially if it has semi worked for him in the past. You have to break it down for him so the next time he complains that all he attracts are hoodrats, he will see the need for adaptation.

Some of the the worst lines I’ve heard include:

“I’ve got Wimpy coupons.”

“I just wanna fuck you. Simple as.”

“Do you like jollof rice with or without peas?”

And the timeless classic, “Don’t I know you from somewhere? I swear I know you.”

Men make approaching women difficult due to their own approach. After having a bag of poor representations in their boat race, women build their own defences so any more dregs won’t get through.

Don’t you think that some women have become as cold as they are when being approached because of the shit they’ve had to endure in the past?

Approaching women isn’t just about the woman, its more about you. What you want, what attracted you to her, what type of woman do you think she is, etc.

Never discount the fine art of conversation. Not only is it a useful tool in order to break the ice, it can be more erotic than watching porn. (Apparently)

With a woman, always pay attention. If you’re wondering how to pay attention to a woman who has just crossed your line of sight, here’s a few hints:

* check her demeanour, her walk, her face – all three will give you clues about whether or not your lyrics will stand a chance. Screw face ladies are 50-50 because their faces could naturally be that way. It’s possible that your approach could be the smile she needed for the day. And that’s always a good start.

* eye contact – if you walk past her and you sweat there was POSITIVE eye contact, you’d be forgiven for going for it. Remember, not all eye contact is positive and plenty fellas have failed over false eye contact.

* be confident – a woman will respond more positively to a man who is self-assured in his own skin and believes in what he is saying.

* fashion touch – don’t be scared to say something about what she is wearing. A compliment about a pair of shoes can lead onto, where she got them from, which leads onto the area the shop is in and what shopping is like up there and before you know it, you’re talking.

It is true that women are complex creatures. Some say its man that make them complex. That’s a NEXT argument, but as complex as women can be, they’re equally simple to adapt to. And armed with confidence, home training and the art of conversation, any man can try.

You may hit, you may miss, but at least your doing it.

Who knows, you may have a new BB pin as a result.

Mr Oh

–
Twitter/Myspace: Mr Oh Yes
FaceBook: Little Black Book

http://www.youtube.com/user/YesMrOh

E-mail: misterohyes@
live.co.uk, yahoo.co.uk, googlemail.com

Little Black Book – OUT NOW

ISBN: 978-0-7552-1144-9

Authorsonline

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Play.com
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“Just so you know, with us, it’s never off the table!” (Rachel Greene, Friends)

And that’s the cardinal rule to a Friend With Benefits! Not referring to the literal interpretation of the term ‘friend with benefits’, this is about a DIFFERENT kinda friend with a DIFFERENT kinda benefits.
Picture this: it’s saturday night, single you is sitting at home, not clubbing, friends are all busy, no partner on their way home with chinese food and a spliff, pay day’s a few weeks away so your broke and you just want to feel GOOD.
You don’t want to have the conversation about ‘what this could do to the friendship’ or how sex could change things, you just want to fuck.
Simple.

Who you gonna call?
Friend With Benefits!
HOLLA!

They don’t live far, they know what it is and they have the ability to really scratch the itch creeping up your spine. And that’s why you called.
There are three main friends with benefits, though they are interchangable.
They are: Close Friend, Do Me Quick Friend and Pact Friend.
All three are more than useful for their purpose and are more than capable of giving you the Ohgasm you so desperately needed.

Close Friend

This man or woman has been in your life for a number of years. They know you from the mole on your ankle to the secret sex scar you hide. Through break-ups and bad dates, this friend has always been at the end of the phone, ready to hear your voice, and not asking for much in return.
With a Close Friend, you never really discuss the prospect of moving you friendship into THAT space, it usually just… Happens.
Somewhere in London, this weekend, there’s going to be a person who calls their Close Friend because, for the longest time, they’ve been looking at them KINDA differently.
During the last DVD night, you may have thought there was something in the air but you ignored it.
You are fully aware that a relationship with Close Friend may not be on the cards, but you also know that if the idea for one night is on the table, they wouldn’t say no.
Close Friends usually strike during DVD night. Sexy films turn them on, action films cause them to cuddle up, romantic films are easy set-ups and boring films are easy distractions to suddenly find a Friend’s hand where it shouldn’t be. Or in this case should be.
Close Friends are good itch scratchers because they know what you want because you spend your friendship TELLING them what you want. The dangerous side to a Close Friend is that they are the best of all Friends. The little things about them that you find attractive may come to the surface and you soon find yourself having the conversation where someone says, “I just can’t stop thinking about that night.”
Tread lightly, set the rules and try not to pine.

Do Me Quick Friend

Not called Do Me Quick because they ‘arrive’ before the race begins.
This is the more random of the Friends. You’ve known them for months, maybe years, possibly went out back in the day, could be a friend’s cousin, best friend’s ex boyfriend’s friend or just someone from the ‘ends’.
The DMQ Friend is always there for conversation, even though you don’t speak to them that often. They more sort of pop up in your life every now and then. Between the two of you, there has always been that ‘vibe’ bubbling beneath the surface. They may have certain attributes of the Close Friend in being able to call them at the drop of a pair of Frenchies… And they know how to make you do the things you may have said you’d never do.
The DMQ Friend is usually gone with the wind afterwards and you may not hear from them for a cool hot minute but you can damn well ensure that they’ll be popping up again, talking all suggestive and shit, just to see “what’s up with you?”

Pact friend

The creme de la creme of all Friends. This is the person who is ALWAYS known as ‘Plan B’.
Available to come round at all times, delivers memorable, Hall Of Fame feats between the sheets almost every time and has you thinking, “hope you can you hear me you moany bastard next door!”
The Pact Friend shares Close Friend’s knowledge of you and your life, giving them the information to do you right. But they also share Do Me Quick Friend’s ability to drop in and out of your life.
But when they drop in, BWOI, do they make an impact!
Your Pact Friend has travelled on your SIM card through multiple phone changes and has never stopped crossing your mind. Even if you lie to yourself and don’t admit it. Everytime you get close to them, you feel something more but you know there’s something ‘flighty’ about them and settling down doesn’t seem like their cup of tea.
But that doesn’t stop them popping up in a text message, random phone call or the cream cake section in Tesco.
The relationship with a Pact Friend is different than the other two Friends because it is well and truly NEVER off the table!
As if you made an unwritten, once mentioned pact that if you were both single, it was H-Town time.
Sometimes they pop up while your in a relationship but the understanding you two have tells them that they know if they call back in a few months and you’re single, then it can be on like popcorn.
No question, straight invitation.
Especially if the last partner was not to you’re liking, or worse, didn’t give head.
But Pact Friend does you right. Male or female, day or night, they deliver that package!
Have you singing Jill Scott’s Crown Royal before an Ohgasm-induced coma knocks you out.

All three Friends With Benefits are well versed in the song called: your Ohgasm. And you got in touch because you wanted them to sing for you.
Could be one of those times when the single scene is looking so bad, your thinking of ‘switching teams’. (More ladies than fellas on that one, lol.)

So look after your friends, don’t just ‘silent’ your phone when you see them calling because they could be tomorrow’s Friend With Benefits.
If you were in a relationship then they would just be a friend but not everyone is, nor do some people want to be in a relationship.
Some are fine having a few Friends With Benefits to hook them up when they need a fix.

Whichever Friend you choose to call in order to get that Ohgasm, make sure you come really really hard. Otherwise, you’ll be pissed off afterwards.
Mr Oh

–
Twitter/Myspace: Mr Oh Yes
FaceBook: Little Black Book

http://www.youtube.com/user/YesMrOh

E-mail: misterohyes@
live.co.uk, yahoo.co.uk, googlemail.com

Little Black Book – OUT NOW

ISBN: 978-0-7552-1144-9

Authorsonline

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whsmith

Play.com
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This is….. SPECIAL.

What the hell was the camera man doing?

Licking the milk

Force Feeding the big backed whale oreos

Sniffing her ass in the convenient store. I mean, what did Bahmidi say when y’all were filming this: “Thank you, come again”?

Where do you find panties that size? I bet she fold them sh*ts like sheets.

Snatching her fupa out her pants and shaking it. The way he was pinching it….that don’t hurt?

This is in no way shape of form a DEFINITIVE guide on what you should and shouldn’t do during sex (I mean I may put my tongue where others won’t, plus if it was, this would be a BITCH of a list) – so let’s just get that out the way…

SEX

I talk about it, do it, write about it, think about it, taste it, visualise it… I just like it.
But, as we all know, there is an unwritten unspoken set of rules that people GENERALLY adhere to in order to fully succeed in achieving that REAL good, make her thighs shake, make him walk like an Egyptian, sweat dripping, body trembling sex.

These are 10 do’s and don’ts for the best way to achieve the sex that your friends TELL you they have… unless you’re freakier than them…

DO’S

1)      PAY ATTENTION – a simple, but HUGE start. Watch what makes your partner tick, what makes her voice hit that Mariah Carey octave or what makes him grab all over your body because he doesn’t know what to do with his hands. Chances are, if you are hitting that SPOT the right way, and you keep doing it, someone’s gonna be coming soon.

WOMEN: If a woman moans when your twist her left nipple, breath on her right one, with one finger on her clit and another making it’s way in, then she LIKES it. DUH! So remember that move and add it to your mental rolodex.

MEN: Anything that get’s his toes curling, face frowning or anything that makes him open his mouth in a perfect O is a keeper.

2)      BE DARING – why not try a spank from on high? Or rub the space between his balls and his anus during head? There are still a lot of hang-ups about particular sexual practices in the world but, to be honest, the quietest of people will like the freakiest of things.

WOMEN: If your head is telling you to suck his dick like a porn star, armed with porn star wrist action, dirty talk and saliva, then try it.

MEN:  If you want to lift her legs back PAST her head and lick her ENTIRE crotch, what’s stopping you? What have you got to lose? Besides a possible eruptive orgasm.

3)      ALWAYS BE PREPARED – at one point of another, we’ve all finished and realised that the ‘clean up towel’ is out of reach or the flannel is in the bathroom and SOMEONE has to get up. But no one wants to move. So make sure, you’re ready for any eventuality.

MEN: If you plan to tie her up, but she doesn’t know it yet, make sure you tie you restrains before she even gets to the bedroom. Hide things under the pillow, under the mattress, etc.

WOMEN: are generally prepared because they decided they were gonna sleep with you about two days ago AND how it was going to go. Loooool.

4)      LET IT ALL GO – that’s the best way to be… free as a bird… not thinking about your Tesco’s shopping list or if Eastenders is on today… your mind should be on the task at hand. Distractions can lead to sudden situations such as:

WOMEN: leaving your mind temporarily and saying the first name that comes out of your mouth, even if it isn’t the name of the person above or below you. (It’s happened…)

MEN: not really feeling the way she’s working you, and the dreaded DROOP kicks in and no amount of looking or touching is getting it back up.

5)      SWALLOW – there is nothing like watching or listening to, someone slurping down the fruit juice of your labour… especially if you’ve been made to wait or have CHOSEN to wait it out. If you’ve been made to feel the way you should, you will WANT swallow what is coming to you… but if you’re not having your scratch itched, it could also brighten up the most boring of sessions.

MEN: don’t be scared of pussy juice… it won’t scald you… or turn your skin green. If you’re reading this and saying something along the lines of ‘I don’t go down for nobody’, then YOUR missing out… TRUST ME!

WOMEN: what is there to say about swallowing that you don’t already know? Nothing… just make it wet and deep and God bless ya!

DON’TS

1)      BODIES ARE NOT TOYS – whether you stroke the dick with too much kung-fu grip or your fingernails are too long to slide inside, you gotta make sure that YOU are representing yourself. Groom yaself, take care of the body and the body you are trying to please… it is there for your pleasure, not for you to treat like some old t-shirt that you paint in.

WOMEN: a few things to always remember – a strong grip on a dick isn’t ALWAYS necessary. Sometimes, men keep quiet, but we don’t like for our head’s to look like they’re about to explode. Teeth too. You gotta remember to keep them teeths covered… they have ROUGH edges… a grimace isn’t always in pleasure.

MEN: groping is fine to an extent but you have to be given the permission, otherwise keep it smooth and constantly moving. Another thing, not ALL women like a ‘rammer jammer’ in bed so don’t think that ramming her THROUGH the headboard will make her come. I did say, not all, because there is a fair share of women who don’t mind that all night long.

2)      KEEP TOILET GAMES IN THE TOILET – not much of a fan of being pissed or shit on to be honest… but some people do… to each their own… but, if you ARE into that type of thing, MAKE SURE the other person is too. Because you don’t want her to be coming like a geyser then you stand over her and take a number two. This touches on DO number 5, but men HAVE to know the difference between a woman coming in their mouth and a woman peeing. If you don’t then… HAHAHAHAHA… take that shit to the grave… YOU got caught slipping.

MEN: just don’t do it.

WOMEN: just don’t do it either… leave the golden showers for private time on the can.

3)      SENSES – it’s one thing for your body to not be into it, but for your eyes and mouth to show disinterest is a REAL mood killer. If you’re lying there, like a rag doll, forcing yourself into position, huffing and puffing when something feels wrong, rolling your eyes, fixing up your mouth like you’d rather be drunk, etc. It’s not a good look. And, in turn, the performance from both participants will suffer and the orgasm could just be to get it out the way so one of you can sleep. Why are you fucking in the first place?

WOMEN: though a lot of sexual emphasis regarding sounds is put on women, you DO make our engines roar when we hear the road enjoying the ride. If you’re not feeling it, it’s better to keep it real and just say, ‘you know what, we need to stop!’ Better that then feeding his ego, making him feel like he ROCKED the Kasbah, when really, you were mentally fucking someone else.
MEN: do not restrict your vocab in the moment to ‘uh’, ‘oh’, ‘um’, ‘yeah’, ‘that’s it’ and, my personal favourite, ‘oh yeah’. Give it some variation, throw a, ‘bet you can’t get it all in your mouth’, or a sly, ‘look how big your mouth is, I know you can do better’. (Though the last one could STOP everything and turn her into, ‘what do you mean my mouth is big? What, you saying I talk too much? See, I knew it… my girlfriends told me about you.’ And you watch her walk away. So CAREFUL!)

4)      WALK THE STRUT IF YOU’VE TALKED THE GAME – there is nothing worse than bragging about your CRAZY head game or your WEST BANK dick that will have her screaming, ‘GAZAMISEH’… but she keeps biting him too hard in her mouth (‘ouchie’) and he can’t get hard enough when she’s on all fours. Don’t promise a porn star performance if you know you only need two positions to get your nut and drop to a quick slumber. Keep it real with yourself. Only offer what your willing to give. That way there’s no expectations.

WOMEN: Give him what he ordered or what you provided for him on the menu… if you’re willing to go that extra mile, let him know, or spring it on him when his mind is somewhere else.

MEN: okay… now… men have a tendency to talk a good game more than women do. But that’s because the onus is put on men to MAKE the sex good for both of you. Plus, it’s not our fault… unfortunately, and it’s yet to be scientifically proven, but, our dicks sometimes speak for us. So when the opportunity to talk sex arises, so does our junior selves. And they like to talk about all the things they can do, based on past experiences, but every time is different. So don’t think that you’ll be able to fuck for four hours like you did with your ex, and then come after five minutes. Which leads me on to my next point… you cannot… repeat CANNOT blame a case of premature ejaculation on her ‘good pussy’. They don’t buy it guys.

5)      SEX TOOL KIT – sex is not a plaster, it is not No More Nails, it will not FIX your problems, mend your broken heart or define your status on this planet. It will make you feel good for… as long as you can make it last for. Someone is thinking about having sex right now for all the wrong reasons, but, to them, they can’t see anything but legs in the air. It is a temporary euphoric release that dissipates after you’ve caught your breath after an orgasm. Because if you’re having sex to hide, mask or fix something, the pain of the wound will still be there.

WOMEN: rule sex, don’t let it rule you.

MEN: it may seem like the GALICE thing to do but sex is not a badge of honour.

Maybe you agree with my do’s and don’ts, maybe you think I’m way off, but, hey, you’ve been entertained!

Be good with it…

Peace and hair grease

Mr Oh

–
Twitter/Myspace: Mr Oh Yes
FaceBook: Little Black Book
http://www.youtube.com/user/YesMrOh

E-mail: misterohyes@
live.co.uk, yahoo.co.uk, googlemail.com

Little Black Book – OUT NOW

ISBN: 978-0-7552-1144-9

Authorsonline

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whsmith

Play.com

amazon


1. Let’s get the basics out of the way first. I’m not being funny, honey, but quality pussy has a price on it. Yes, it is true some women don’t know their worth but if you want the good pussy then you need to cough up.

2. I don’t know who told scores of men that women’s vaginas functioned like men’s penises. We do not just spring to attention like men. To get this spring flowing needs nurturing. I think a few tender licks to the clit will be sufficient.

3. Men, it’s all well and good for you to demand that your woman be fresh and smell fresh – nobody likes bad smells. However, before you say that ‘women’s pussies smell like fish’ how about you grate off the cheese hidden under your foreskin. Just to let you know, women’s bits clean themselves, too, thank you!

4. How would you feel if somebody poked their finger up your butt? A lot of you will probably feel punked. That’s how we start to feel if you forget to kiss us or always insist on doggystyle. It makes us feel cheap.

5. Men, please watch porn. Please. I can give you pointers on how to get me off but I’m not about to pause and give you a lesson on how to thrust and move a tool I do not have when I’m rearing to go. If you’re insisting on having sex with me, please know what you’re doing.

6. Regardless of what the Jamaican dancehall musicians state, ‘daggering’ is only good if your cock is up to a certain height. Big Boys, leave it to the Small Guys. Do not attempt to ‘dagger’ me so hard you’re touching my womb if you’re built like a Pepsi bottle. Women love sex but we value fertility more.

7. I was well on my way to finally mastering the deepthroat but then…you shoved my face further down your cock in excitement. I choked, my throat closed up and I almost puked. Sometimes a bit of patience is needed. Otherwise next time you do that, I’ll leave with your dick in my mouth. You’ve been warned.

8. I love how men fling you about and into different positions during sex like you’re a weightless doll. Yes, I am being sarcastic.

9. Fellas, contrary to popular belief, there is such thing as giving bad cunnilingus. Some of you have dry tongues that feel like sandpaper, others chew and chomp like we’re pieces of chicken. We prefer tender, firm, wet licks that hit the target.

10. Having said that, it’s 2010, baby. If you aren’t going down, you’re not sticking around. Case closed.

11. I know that all the players make taking off a bra seem easy. But seriously, babes, if you can’t just let me do it. Feeling you fumble for a minute or two kind of wounds the mood.

12. Lasting for a minute is fine. Occasionally. When it becomes a habit, we have a problem. Then we cheat, tell our friends or make songs. Remember Missy and Trina?

13. On the other hand, lasting for five hours is marvellous but sweetie, I dry up after one. Maybe one and a half max. I’m not an energiser bunny. And I’m not that fit. Plus, my mind starts to wander: ‘have I done the ironing? What time is it? Was my assignment good? I wonder who killed Tupac?’

14. With this one, all I ask is that you understand. With the amount of men that love to try and dodge the Dom we would love to have a cupboard full of them. It makes sense and the cost per unit would be much cheaper due to economies of scale. However, please understand that most men would judge us and assume we are sluts rather than safe. And even if we are or are not sluts, we still don’t want you to think we are. Therefore, it’s always better if you have them.
15. Sex is the only time when ugly faces are allowed. It doesn’t kill the mood it enhances it. But if I open my eyes and see you staring at me while you’re drilling me like a machine, it’s kind of creepy. Please, stop it or I’ll call the feds. You look like a rapist.

16. Guys, if you pour on all the game and sweet talk, and then kiss and lick all my erogenous zones and get me soaking wet I feel cum on my legs and then we fuck – you have no fucking right to turn around and call me easy. You made it impossible to resist!

17. A lot of guys love it when I queef but to those who get grossed out, if my pussy farts it’s YOUR fault!

18. Sweetie, if you want, spunk on me. You pick: my stomach, my back, my arse…but if you do, you have to wipe it off. Its logic.

19. Additionally, personally, I don’t spit because it’s impolite. But for the women that don’t want cum in their mouths, don’t do it if they don’t want it. I know a woman that will spit that shit back in your face. Just a warning.

20. I can’t speak for every female but I’ll tell you why I fake orgasms. I’ve never had a male-induced orgasm. I tell men this, they become so obsessed with my orgasm that they forget to enjoy the moment. And then that’s when they try and last for hours and I get bored by then. So, sometimes its easier to be extra loud at a point, grab the sheets, screw up the face then say you came when you didn’t. Its not that he’s bad, its just I don’t want him to judge his performance based on my inability to orgasm. I’m trying to be considerate.

21. Don’t expect head if you won’t kiss me after. If you don’t think your own juices are clean then the fact that you let me swallow it is an insult.

22. Last but not least – be honest. If you love me, let me know. If you’re confused, let me know. If you only want to fuck me, goodness, let me know! Who knows, I might just want to fuck too but give me the chance to say yes or no.

Many thanks to Nikita Nicks for writing this fantastic post.

Please comment and add your thoughts.

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can’t just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don’t, it’s your own fault when he’s snoozing and you’re all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It’s a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it’s not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that’s nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I don’t know who comes up with half that shit, but I’m pretty sure they need counselling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he’s pushing, skippy? Because you aren’t doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he’s given you. Pay attention to the signals that he’s sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He’s about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. I’m pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the Amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don’t want to go bare. That’s fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can’t shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That’s as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you’re ragging. He didn’t do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he’s hormonal, I suggest you get some knee-pads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you’re having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like “I stubbed my toe” “I ran up the steps” or “I was putting up drywall”.

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you’re sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it’s just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn’t be having sex anyway. Go back to Secondary School.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn’t be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissin’ quickies because it’s not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There’s an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn’t acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it’s an invitation, don’t look surprised when he “accidentally” sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If you’re shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. There’s no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn’t suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you’re riding him. It’s your body, you’re used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner’s hand when he’s touching you. Don’t like the way he’s doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn’t. Its your choice to stop, but don’t look all fucking surprised when he’s confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So you are a  feminist… Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn’t make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. Its OK to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It’s not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don’t ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn’t want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of “making love“. You’re not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it’s hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It’s how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is OK. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You’re having sex. That will happen. That’s the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he’s the best you’ve had, even if he isn’t.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don’t. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he’s doing everything right. And if he doesn’t know its not working, he’s not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of un-fulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven’t showered that day, and things smell a little…fishy…perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don’t care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They’ll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with make-up on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he’s probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like “it happens to every guy”. Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn’t, get off another way with him. He’s still capable of getting you off. Mumbling “Forget it” and rolling over are not OK.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of “was it good for you?”. Now is not a good time to ask “What this means”. Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

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