What f*cktardedness!

Reh Dogg is back and he’s managed to get his hands on a green screen. Truly EPIC.

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For years, the Jigsaw killer has created incredibly complex deathtraps that always seem to work to perfection. But this Halloween, stuff…goes..WRONG

This is too much damn joke, can someone help this girl catch the beat?

Picking up girls at a bar is hard enough as it is. To make matters worse, single men have to be on constant lookout for the infamous cockblocker. The modern cockblocker can manifest in many forms, and being able to identify and manage a cockblocker can mean the difference between a successful night, and one where you go home alone, eat Salted Popcorn by yourself, and watch Children of Men on Sky, one and a half times before passing out. Here are 7 common cockblockers to look out for:

1. The Gay Friend

In the football, there’s a reason why you never trade a player to a team you’re going to face later on in the season: he knows everything you’re going to try, and he’s going to tell the other team, and suddenly you’re losing 6-0 in the second half, and you’re standing on the sidelines thinking, “how the fuck did this happen?”
The Gay Friend knows your moves, because at the end of the day you both want the same thing, to find someone drunk enough to let you stick something in their ass. To make matters worse, unlike the seven girlfriends surrounding your prospective lady, The Gay Friend isn’t catty and backstabbing, because he’s not trying to go for the same dick that she is. Consequently, he has no problem looking out for her at all costs. This means that you’ll have to come prepared with a few trick plays, or have the most dedicated wingman in the entire world.

2. The Platonic Male Friend

Every girl has a male friend who she’s not romantically involved with, but who desperately wants to fuck her. He’s probably been friends with her for years, and may have even made out with her once or twice, when she was really drunk and without any other viable options. He’s fiercely protective of her, because he honestly believes that someday she’ll give up on finding someone that she actually finds attractive and settle for him. To you, he’s like the river of lava that blocked the road to town in Dante’s Peak, and you’ll have to handle him the same way that Pierce Brosnan handled that road, just put it into four-wheel drive, get a running start, and force your way through it….Fuck it…

3. The Man-Hater Friend

There are two different sub-categories of Man-haters: the Man-haters who always hate men (a.k.a., “The Katie Price”), and the Man-haters who hate men because they recently got dumped or cheated on. Either way, a Man-hater will do everything in their power to stop you from banging their friend. Man-haters are typically fat and ugly, and they live by one simple rule, “if nobody wants to fuck me, then no one is fucking you, either.” They usually speak for their more attractive friends by using the pronoun “we” frequently. “We want to be left alone”, “we didn’t ask you to sit down”, and “we’d like three orders of nachos” are all common Man-hater phrases, and all can be roughly translated to, “I’m fat and miserable, and I will have terrible gas later, but at least I won’t be the only one who doesn’t get fucked tonight.”

4. The “Girls’ Night Out” Group

Like a sexy lesbian pillow fight, it was decided long before this night started that men were not even going to be involved in the equation. The “Girls’ Night Out” group is sure to have at least two members who’s sole purpose is to block cocks like they’re the Arsenal’s defence. This night has been advertised and discussed within the group all week, and the last thing any girl wants is to be the one that strays from her “Girls’ Night Out” friends to talk to you. If you do manage to somehow make it past the initial layer of Cockblockers and pull one away, there’s no chance in hell you’re taking her home. The girls in a “Girls’ Night Out” group think like Marines, they’re all going in together, and if anybody tries to fuck one of them, the rest of them are going to beat the shit out of him.

5. Your Drunk Friend

Sometimes your best friends can become your worst enemies. If your friend is drunk to the point that he’s acting belligerent, annoying, or otherwise idiotic in any way, you’ll be considered guilty by association. You’ll need to wriggle out of that situation in order to stand a chance. Your best bet is to make light of the situation, and then follow that with a very dark, dismal explanation of why your friend needs to get super fucking drunk. For example, after your drunk friend gropes your target girl, mumbles something absolutely disgusting to her, and then stumbles away, just laugh and say, “Oh, sheeee-it. Ol’ Fred’s really going to town tonight”. He deserves it, though. If my parents had just told me that they weren’t my real parents, and that they found me stuck in the bottom of a public toilet when I was two, I’d probably want to get pretty wasted, too. The fact is, I’m the only family he has left now.”

6. Your Drunk Self

Alcohol is to you like Ben Affleck is to any movie, in small amounts, it can be enjoyable, but as soon as it takes over, everything turns to shit real fast. People around you start saying things like “This has gotten embarrassing. We should just go.” When you’re that drunk, or what I like to call “Fuck-it-ness wasted”, you cease to be cool and begin to sabotage the shit out of yourself. Normally, this occurs because you end up taking a harmless joke or topic way too far. The girl you’re sloppily choppin’ up might say something like, “Yeah, my girlfriends and I come here a lot,” to which you’ll respond: “Ha! I usually come in my friggin’ bafroom, you know watta I mean? Haha! Talkin’ bout jerkin to the off. Get it?”

7. A Baby

The sound of a baby crying will instantly make a vagina dryer than a 1980′s BBC sitcom. If you’ve made it all the way back to your prospective lady’s yard to find that she’s got a little one sleeping at home, your best bet is to take the Benny Hill approach, put on some soft music and speed things up as quickly as possible, because once that baby wakes up and starts crying, you’re defenceless. It’s like Ronaldo, it can’t be stopped, and there’s no way it’s going to shake your hand if it loses.

You are a fucking idiot! No, really, you are a fucking idiot. It’s okay, though, because apparently so is everyone else. You’re an idiot. I’m an idiot. We are idiots. But what about them? Oh, them? No, they’re not idiots. THEY were kind enough to make everything easier for us idiots to comprehend.

It’s not our fault that we are idiots. We did nothing to become idiots. Well, most of us anyways. Our idiocy is because the companies that make the products we use in our day to day lives have decided that we are idiots. They make more cash money than we do, so they get to decide just how stupid we are. The more I actually pay attention, the more that I realize that these corporations must really think that we’re all drooling idiots that can’t make it through our day without detailed instructions.

I was reading an article in a magazine the other day and when I got to the bottom of the page, right after the last line, there was a “Continued on page…” notice. This was nothing new to magazines or newspapers. Many times an article will run over the length of the page and the remainder will be in the back of the magazine or paper. They provide you with this notice so that you know what page to flip to so that you can continue reading the article. However, this one was, well…different.

Thank you for clearing that up, OXM! I wasn’t familiar with page turning until you came along. It’s a wonder I ever made it past page 1. Seriously? Do you think that there are people in this world dumb enough to finish reading the page and not turn the page? Instead, they just sit there grinning like an dickhead? The fucking article said it was listing “23 of our pet peeves.” There were 2 listed on the first page followed by your “turn the page, idiot” notice to let us know that your 23 pet peeves didn’t end after only 2. Thanks for thinking that we are that dumb. Pricks!

One of the other “warnings” that I never have understood happens when you’re paying a bill online and it says “WARNING: Only click ‘Submit’ once!” It’s like they think that we are all apes banging on a keyboard and if we click submit and it doesn’t process in 2 seconds then we’re just going to keep clicking submit hundreds of times until it does process. “AHHHHH!!!! WHY IT NOT CHANGE SCREEN WHEN CLICKY?!?!” *CLICK*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK* DICKHEADS!

I was microwaving a Samosa at work the other day while I weighed and bagged heroin when I happened to notice that ziploc bags come with instructions. I was almost in awe of how retarded that shit is. Knowing how to use a ziploc bag is common knowledge. Let’s just be honest about it. There isn’t one fucking person in this world that doesn’t know how to use one. Even if you had never seen one and someone handed you one and told you to open it and then seal it, you would figure it out in 5 seconds. Which, by the way, is about 10 seconds less time than it would take you to read the instructions. It’s just one of those things that comes with life. It’s not taught in school, but everyone knows how to use them. Hell, half of us children of the 80′s played with them as children. They made cool hats.

What’s next? Instructions for watching a movie? Step 1 is to sit down and step 2 is to look at the screen. Taking your shopping out of the bag? Step 1: Open the end that isn’t sealed shut. It’s getting ridiculous. The problem that I have with these instructions isn’t just because some company thinks I’m a complete idiot. It’s also due to the fact that these companies are spitting in the face of natural selection. If we continue to dumb down everything, then eventually the world will become overrun with idiots that should have never made it that far. If you’re dumb enough to click on submit 50 times and you pay your bill 50 times and drain your account, then you don’t deserve to get your money back. You’re an idiot and the company you’re paying should just say “Well, thanks for the money. Better luck next time!” If you can’t figure out to turn the pages of a magazine on your own, then you probably shouldn’t be trying to read anyways. Get back to cleaning the toilet that I just destroyed with my Java Monster fuelled dump. And for fucks sake if you don’t know how to use a ziploc bag, then you obviously have nothing worth storing in one. There needs to be a panel of people with different I.Q.s from 90 and higher that companies run their products by. If they can hand a product to a person with an I.Q. of 90 and they figure out how to use it, then no instructions are necessary. If only the people with an I.Q. of 130 or higher can figure it out, then they can put instructions on it. For those people 90 and under…it’s time to get smart or die trying.