“DAMN, girl you got a sexy chin! *grunt*”

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Today on Real Talk we talk about the “Eating Pussy” phobia that most men have. Sorry ladies but believe it or not…it only takes one bad experience for a man to be turned off by a trip down south.

Blogger Randy Rainbow’s new boyfriend just so happens to be infamous head-scheduler Mel Gibson.

If you’re a single girl like me and have heard that saying more then once, from you’re coupled up friends, then you will know what I mean. To me that translation means “HA HA HA I have a man and you know you want what I got!” Ermmm, pardon I don’t think so mate. You were only single 2 days ago!

Now don’t get me wrong, I see nothing wrong with my friends being in relationships. But I do have a problem when all of a sudden they are now Match.com! It’s like when your friend gets a boyfriend; she has now decided her mission is life is to set you up with every single guy she knows. Once she has left the single life you are now considered a desperate woman who needs to find her mate. *rolls eyes*

I remember one conversation I had with a friend after she found a boyfriend. Majority of her talking consisted on how great her man was. Apparently he made the cutest of noises when he slept; I had to be there to understand. (I don’t think she would have appreciated me turning up and jumping in their bed waiting for “that noise”. Considering I sleep naked that would have been an awkward moment!)
When she had rambled on for a good 30mins talking about how he was “The One“, something must have clicked in her head that I haven’t actually spoken yet. Except for the um’s, and aww’s that where programmed in my brain to activate. (You see I was beginning to zone out and was wondering what’s for dinner) Eventually after taking a breath she asks those dreaded words “Are you seeing anyone nice?”

I bloody hate that sentence, first of all are you assuming that I wouldn’t be seeing someone nice. All of a sudden have all my past conquest been ugly. DPMO!!

Now with girls in relationships, if you tell them yes they jump up and down for joy like Gucci posted them a bag! But if you tell them no, they look at you like you slept with their man. So now I had to think, do I let her continue on about her man or do I just talk about the recent date I had with Adrian. I chose the latter as I was sure she would have started telling me the baby names she had picked out!

So I started off with how I had recently gone on this date with a guy who I had been talking too but I don’t think it will go anywhere. That’s when she looked at me with such disgust! “What do you mean, give him a go, you never know were it will end up. Just look how happy I am!” Hold up is my friend encouraging me to keep seeing a guy who bores me to death and I would rather watch paint dry! If she was still single she would have told me to dump him as there are plenty of more fish in the sea. Now all of sudden I’m suppose to “Give it a go”.
Then I get told “Denica you’re always meeting these guys, you’re getting older and need to settle down!” Pardon, I’m 24 years old not reaching for my pension. Why have I got to settle down because you have?

Now before any girls in relationships start cussing and say “I just want my friend to be happy!” Let me ask you a question, what makes you think that she isn’t? *Bueller…….Bueller….* Most of the girls I know with a man end up complaining half of the time that their man is pissing them off! One girl told me that their man was always doing dumb things. My answer was to stop going out with a dip shit. (Side note, we are no longer friends. I Wonder why *shrugs shoulders*) So when your complaining, is it a wonder that us single girls would rather stay single. I have learnt not to comment on friends relationship as 1) They don’t listen anyways and 2) If I say why do you stay the Jeremy Kyle statement “But I love him” would be uttered.

One time I got told that single girls don’t understand girls in relationships as we are selfish and only have time for us! Well your damn right I am selfish and I enjoy being selfish. I say good on you ladies who have found their very own Leon, but im going to pass on your pearls of wisdom. Somehow wearing what I want, going where I like and not worrying what the other half is doing. Beats taking a trip to Ikea to pick out that Blue sofa that matches the walls.
*Yawn*
I have to go Drink now and “Hang in there!”

written by Denica

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For More, please follow Denica on:

Twitter/http://twitter.com/ThatLadyGodiva

Blog/http://tallulahhulah.blogspot.com/

DISCLAIMER: ALL ADVICE IN THIS ARTICLE SHOULD BE TAKEN AT FACE VALUE AND IF YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND AND HAVE MANY MANY WOMEN THEN YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY LISTEN TO ME AND DO IT.

So in this issue we cover the basic treatment of women. Should you buy them drinks, disrespect their parents, accidentally head butt them and so on. To make things nice and easy for you losers I’m going to split it up into a pretty point by point style again.

Disinterest.

Disinterest should be the cornerstone of any ‘game’ you have. If a woman approaches you on the street with a friendly smile and asks you for the time then you should glare back at her and scream “FUCK OFF BITCH”, that way she’ll know you don’t want to make love with her. Women go crazy for this sort of thing, and before you know it, she’ll be giving you a hummer in the toilets of your local KFC.

Misinterpretation.

Misinterpret everything she says as some kind of ploy for her wanting to sleep with you. For example, if she say’s “There’s a massive cold sore on the end of your lip” you say ” You’re a massive whore and you want to spend time with my dick?” If she says “Hi” you say: “Sorry but you’re not my type”.

Demand.

I’m going to be honest with you, chicks love dominant guys who see what they want, and take it. So if you see a pretty girl, don’t waste your time buying her drinks and other such pleasantries, simply approach her and say in your best stern step father voice ” Daddy says take off your pants” I promise you it will work.

Value.

Create an illusion that you have more social and biological value than her by insulting her constantly and vigorously. “You’re breath smells”, “You’re fat”, “You have a lazy eye”, “You look like you have been attacked by a tiger” work particularly well. You can also use big polysyllabic words and complex sentences to make her feel intellectually inferior “I’m in a state of bereavement as I have recently suffered from the horrible loss of my grandfather, who tragically deceased from a pulmonary embolism due to his congenital heart defect.”

Jealousy.

Use jealousy to your advantage by talking about her best friend’s tits all the time. “What size cup is your mate Candice again?” You should ask her. Whilst in her presence you should also constantly pretend you are receiving text messages from other girls. Take you’re phone out glance at it intently before letting out a huge chuckle “HAHAHAHAHAHA” then finally ask her “What does it mean when a girl says she wants to deep throat you?”

THE WINGMAN IS ARGUABLY THE NOBLEST CREATURE TO EVER STEP INTO A BAR!!

Who else, with cavalier disregard for his personal reputation, is so willing to throw himself upon the cruel mercies of a brazen man-hater, just so his buddy can hook up with a chick with big knockers?

Who else, with just a hint of a grimace, will selflessly dirty dance with a creature so hideous that no amount of hard liquor will wash the stain from his memory?

Who else, especially if he’s loaded to the gills, will stand in the deepest depths of hell just so a pal can climb up his back into hook-up heaven?

Whose sterling motto is, “You are going to so owe me”?
None else but the wingman!

WHAT A WINGMAN DOES…
And just as that brave (some say suicidally insane) Spartan king and his hundred warriors laid down their lives against a hundred thousand Persians, so will the wingman, with the right amount of prodding, recklessly lunge into battle against foes twice his size and half his intellect, fully knowing there is no way in hell that the night will end well.

IT USUALLY GOES DOWN LIKE THIS:
A male (the flight leader) spots an attractive female (the bombing target) across the bar. But alas, she is not alone. She is paired with a tragically less attractive friend (the cock blocker). And they seem quite close, so close that the BT is unlikely to abandon her CB for a guy she just met.

The FL knows he’ll never be able to successfully complete his bombing run without proper air cover, and this is where the wingman comes into play. The wingman will engage the CB and pin her down long enough for the FL to finish his run, and hopefully bomb his target back to his bedroom.

Of course, there’s much more to the task than distracting the CB while the FL makes his move.

Wingman skills have been honed and passed down since someone decided women should be allowed into bars. Strategies have evolved and tactics have been polished to the point that the wingman has become a super-specialized warrior in the eternal Battle of the Sexes.

And like all specialists, they’ve developed their own lingo.

WINGMAN JARGON…
Air superiority – when the flight team has established a comfortable conversation with the BT and CB.

BT – bombing target; the hot chick.

Banzai shot – much as kamikaze pilots were given a ceremonial shot of sake before being sealed in their cockpits, the flight leader should buy his wingman a shot prior to a mission.

Betty – an alliteration of Bombing Target.

Boogy – a friend of the BT that has not yet been identified as a CB.

CB – cock blocker; the hot girl’s troublesome friend and sworn enemy of the wingman. Also called a bandit.

Dogfight – dancing with a CB.

FL – Flight leader; also called the bombardier.

Flak – snide remarks made by a CB in an attempt to drive the flight team from the skies.

Flying blind – when the wingman indulges in so much in-flight refuelling he jeopardizes the mission.

Getting pinged – initial eye contact with a BT.

In-flight refuelling – when a wingman orders a flurry of shots to help him complete his mission.

Kamikaze mission – when the wingman is likely to end up in the clutches of the CB.

Landing gear – a wingman’s self-respect; if a FL asks his wingman to “leave his landing gear behind,” he’s preparing the wingman for a flak storm or kamikaze mission.

POW – Prisoner of a Warthog; to go home with a CB, the supreme sacrifice of a wingman.

Pig Alley – a play off of the Korean War’s infamous MIG Alley, this describes a BT swarming with CBs.

Shite leader – a would-be flight leader without the skills to complete the mission.

Shoot and scoot – an attempt to engage with more than one CB at a time.

Tail-gunning – when the wingman disgracefully abandons his air cover duties and attempts his own bombing run on the BT.

Yank and bank – an attempt by the FL to manoeuvre the BT away from the wingman and CB for some one-on-one time.

KNOW YOUR COCK BLOCKERS…
Before you tip that throttle and rocket off the runway, it’s best to know what you’re up against.

There are three types of CBs, namely:

1.) Cinderella’s Sister:
This semi-attractive woman is secretly jealous of her more alluring friend and won’t want to see her hook up because she’s tired of being the bridesmaid. She’s an easy target for flattery, especially if you compare her favourably with her friend. Tagline: “Doesn’t she have great breasts? Too bad they’re fake.”

2.) Den Mother:
She’s such a wonderful, responsible, caring person that she feels the need to watch over her “wild” friend and keep all the naughty boys at length. She’s been honing her CB skills since  school and knows all the tricks, but can be cracked with a “you should really let your friend live her own life, she’s all grown up now” attack. Tagline: “Come on, Sweety, you’ve had enough to drink and it’s time to go home.”

3.) Brumhilda:
Tempered by the hot fires of spite and bitterness, she dislikes men in general, either because she’s been denied their attention or due to past romantic difficulties. She is the most dangerous CB because no amount of charm can flatter her into letting your FL fly off into the sunset with her friend. Only the most skilled and dogged of wingmen can neutralize her, usually by pretending he’s gay and equally bitter. Tagline: “Hey you. Yeah, you, asshole. It’s girls’ night out. No men allowed. So why don’t you go play Hide and Go Fuck Yourself?”

POINTS TO REMEMBER…
After the BT has been re-conned, it’s always best if the wingman goes in first.

If he wings in with the FL or after, it will smack off a set-up.

Once the wingman has successfully engaged the CB, the FL sweeps in, first making contact with the wingman, then turning his attention to the BT.

The moment the conversation is rolling, the FL will want to focus fully on the BT, so the wingman should attempt to lure the CB to the dance floor, jukebox, pool table or bar.

If the CB refuses to budge, the FL will attempt to “yank and bank” the BT well out of cock blocking range.

A good wingman will accept the fact that he will most likely have to remain with the CB for the rest of evening, because once he breaks off the attack, the CB will make a beeline to the BT and try to shoot down the FL.

Keeping the CB pinned down is not always easy. The wingman must use all his charms to keep her entertained, he must listen to psyche-grating life-stories, he will learn the names of all her cats and all their wonderful little quirks.

And if need be, he will feign romantic interest.

When closing time rolls around, a lesser wingman will wish his FL all the luck in the world and hightail it home.

A good wingman, however, will carry on his mission even though it extends to someone’s domicile, knowing full well he will find himself deep in enemy airspace, and may be asked to make the ultimate sacrifice.

THE RISKS…
It’s true that sometimes terrible things befall wingmen.

Sometimes it’s as innocuous as enduring a dull conversation or getting a drink thrown in his face.

Sometimes his public reputation becomes so mangled he can no longer fly in the same theatre of operations.

Sometimes he will get locked in so steep a dive he can’t pull up in time to save himself from crash landing in a CB’s bed.

The experience can shatter him completely, taking him off the duty roster for weeks, sometimes months. Sometimes he never comes back.

Finally, worst of all, a wingman might go so far and so often into enemy territory that he will “go native,” and develop strange tastes in women.

So if you find a good wingman, make sure the missions are worth his risk and sacrifice.

If the bombing run is successful, buy him a bottle of the good stuff, especially if he served as a POW.

Keep him happy, serve as his wingman when he needs one, and hold onto him with an iron grip.

GOOD WINGMEN ARE AS RARE AS DIAMONDS!!

Tru Players: U.K. Reality Game Show On Who Can Pick Up The Most Girls & Got The Most Game. Poor results and hilarity ensues.