Meet Horny, Nutsack, Crack Rabbit and the other misnamed toys.

My three year old daughter names all of her toys herself. Based on the names she chooses, you would think she was being raised a bewildered hooker. That may in fact be correct.

Almost everyone who uses Facebook can be categorized according to this list. What kind of Facebooker are you?

You know there is a much better and alternative to Facebook, right?

The invention of the knife was one of the greatest expressions of human potential.

In text form:

Last Friday, I was getting out of work. I was in a meeting so I was wearing a suit, which ended up being perfect.

I was waiting at a crosswalk, and this lady wasn’t paying attention and walked into the street. She’s about 45-50 I guess? The street was pretty empty in both directions except for a bus in the close lane that the lady didn’t see. The bus was coming in pretty fast, and I don’t know how she missed it, but to her credit there were some bus stops and parked cars and stuff that may have obstructed the view.

Anyways, just as the bus started honking and slamming brakes, I grabbed her and pulled her back. She would have probably made it anyway, but it made a pretty nice dramatic effect.

So this lady was really freaked out by the whole thing. She was sorta stuck in between thanking me, and catching her breath. So (and wtf did this come from I have no idea), I pulled out my PDA and said, “This is Commander Navarrette, I saved the subject. The time is 4:39 pm.” She had no idea what was happening and kept looking at me all dumb. So I said something to the effect of, “Ma’am, I need your signature to affirm that you were here and I stopped you from getting run over by the 4:39 bus.”

I didn’t know what she thought about the situation, but I decided to press it a bit further. I opened my PDA’s drawing thing (ooo high tech) and asked her to sign it, which she did.

I thanked her then followed up with, “Your grandson is very important,” which immediately I realized was really dumb because she didn’t look like she was old enough to have grandchildren.

“I don’t have a grandson,” is all she said. I freaked out for a second, thinking I just made a total ass of myself. But then I said, “You will,” and gave her sorta a wink/smile.

The crosswalk light was green and I walked off. She stood there and a few seconds later she yelled “wait!” but I was already across the street and pretended I didn’t hear and kept walking.

I have no idea what she thought of the whole thing, but even the idea of her thinking I was from the future totally made my day.

Girl on right is confused about the payday situation

I’m sure there’s a second “official” manual for customer service at most fast food restaurants.

What you’ll need: 

- 300 people. (Yep, three hundo. Plan on busting out a seriously witty Facebook invite)

- Two large wooden poles approximately 12 feet in height and 8 inches in diameter with spikes at either end.

- An outdoor space in which you can insert two very large wooden poles in the ground and/or severely vandalize  two existing poles that happen to be place equi-distant in an open field.

- Matching uniforms so you can tell who the hell is on your team.

- Protective head gear. (please watch the video above if you’re confused as to why

The Rules:

- Two teams of 150 fierce competitors vie for “control” of their respective wooden pole that is perpendicular to the ground.

- Two wooden poles are set up at opposite ends of the field.

- Each team is split into two groups of 75 attackers and 75 defenders.

- The two attacking teams start on opposite ends of the field and rush the defenders dutifully protecting their respective poles.

- No shoes, gentlemen.

- Whichever team manages to pull their pole down to at least a 30 degree angle first gets to shout victory.

I just wait till someone else comes through the door. That’s when I make my escape.

This DVD video presented by Dormtainment shows you how to market to the African-American consumer of the 21st century. (Thanks to the Fox News Corp. for concept, script, and funding for this video)

DOWNLOAD SONG HERE: http://www.zshare.net/audio/9423279433d759b5/