This is in no way shape of form a DEFINITIVE guide on what you should and shouldn’t do during sex (I mean I may put my tongue where others won’t, plus if it was, this would be a BITCH of a list) – so let’s just get that out the way…

SEX

I talk about it, do it, write about it, think about it, taste it, visualise it… I just like it.
But, as we all know, there is an unwritten unspoken set of rules that people GENERALLY adhere to in order to fully succeed in achieving that REAL good, make her thighs shake, make him walk like an Egyptian, sweat dripping, body trembling sex.

These are 10 do’s and don’ts for the best way to achieve the sex that your friends TELL you they have… unless you’re freakier than them…

DO’S

1)      PAY ATTENTION – a simple, but HUGE start. Watch what makes your partner tick, what makes her voice hit that Mariah Carey octave or what makes him grab all over your body because he doesn’t know what to do with his hands. Chances are, if you are hitting that SPOT the right way, and you keep doing it, someone’s gonna be coming soon.

WOMEN: If a woman moans when your twist her left nipple, breath on her right one, with one finger on her clit and another making it’s way in, then she LIKES it. DUH! So remember that move and add it to your mental rolodex.

MEN: Anything that get’s his toes curling, face frowning or anything that makes him open his mouth in a perfect O is a keeper.

2)      BE DARING – why not try a spank from on high? Or rub the space between his balls and his anus during head? There are still a lot of hang-ups about particular sexual practices in the world but, to be honest, the quietest of people will like the freakiest of things.

WOMEN: If your head is telling you to suck his dick like a porn star, armed with porn star wrist action, dirty talk and saliva, then try it.

MEN:  If you want to lift her legs back PAST her head and lick her ENTIRE crotch, what’s stopping you? What have you got to lose? Besides a possible eruptive orgasm.

3)      ALWAYS BE PREPARED – at one point of another, we’ve all finished and realised that the ‘clean up towel’ is out of reach or the flannel is in the bathroom and SOMEONE has to get up. But no one wants to move. So make sure, you’re ready for any eventuality.

MEN: If you plan to tie her up, but she doesn’t know it yet, make sure you tie you restrains before she even gets to the bedroom. Hide things under the pillow, under the mattress, etc.

WOMEN: are generally prepared because they decided they were gonna sleep with you about two days ago AND how it was going to go. Loooool.

4)      LET IT ALL GO – that’s the best way to be… free as a bird… not thinking about your Tesco’s shopping list or if Eastenders is on today… your mind should be on the task at hand. Distractions can lead to sudden situations such as:

WOMEN: leaving your mind temporarily and saying the first name that comes out of your mouth, even if it isn’t the name of the person above or below you. (It’s happened…)

MEN: not really feeling the way she’s working you, and the dreaded DROOP kicks in and no amount of looking or touching is getting it back up.

5)      SWALLOW – there is nothing like watching or listening to, someone slurping down the fruit juice of your labour… especially if you’ve been made to wait or have CHOSEN to wait it out. If you’ve been made to feel the way you should, you will WANT swallow what is coming to you… but if you’re not having your scratch itched, it could also brighten up the most boring of sessions.

MEN: don’t be scared of pussy juice… it won’t scald you… or turn your skin green. If you’re reading this and saying something along the lines of ‘I don’t go down for nobody’, then YOUR missing out… TRUST ME!

WOMEN: what is there to say about swallowing that you don’t already know? Nothing… just make it wet and deep and God bless ya!

DON’TS

1)      BODIES ARE NOT TOYS – whether you stroke the dick with too much kung-fu grip or your fingernails are too long to slide inside, you gotta make sure that YOU are representing yourself. Groom yaself, take care of the body and the body you are trying to please… it is there for your pleasure, not for you to treat like some old t-shirt that you paint in.

WOMEN: a few things to always remember – a strong grip on a dick isn’t ALWAYS necessary. Sometimes, men keep quiet, but we don’t like for our head’s to look like they’re about to explode. Teeth too. You gotta remember to keep them teeths covered… they have ROUGH edges… a grimace isn’t always in pleasure.

MEN: groping is fine to an extent but you have to be given the permission, otherwise keep it smooth and constantly moving. Another thing, not ALL women like a ‘rammer jammer’ in bed so don’t think that ramming her THROUGH the headboard will make her come. I did say, not all, because there is a fair share of women who don’t mind that all night long.

2)      KEEP TOILET GAMES IN THE TOILET – not much of a fan of being pissed or shit on to be honest… but some people do… to each their own… but, if you ARE into that type of thing, MAKE SURE the other person is too. Because you don’t want her to be coming like a geyser then you stand over her and take a number two. This touches on DO number 5, but men HAVE to know the difference between a woman coming in their mouth and a woman peeing. If you don’t then… HAHAHAHAHA… take that shit to the grave… YOU got caught slipping.

MEN: just don’t do it.

WOMEN: just don’t do it either… leave the golden showers for private time on the can.

3)      SENSES – it’s one thing for your body to not be into it, but for your eyes and mouth to show disinterest is a REAL mood killer. If you’re lying there, like a rag doll, forcing yourself into position, huffing and puffing when something feels wrong, rolling your eyes, fixing up your mouth like you’d rather be drunk, etc. It’s not a good look. And, in turn, the performance from both participants will suffer and the orgasm could just be to get it out the way so one of you can sleep. Why are you fucking in the first place?

WOMEN: though a lot of sexual emphasis regarding sounds is put on women, you DO make our engines roar when we hear the road enjoying the ride. If you’re not feeling it, it’s better to keep it real and just say, ‘you know what, we need to stop!’ Better that then feeding his ego, making him feel like he ROCKED the Kasbah, when really, you were mentally fucking someone else.
MEN: do not restrict your vocab in the moment to ‘uh’, ‘oh’, ‘um’, ‘yeah’, ‘that’s it’ and, my personal favourite, ‘oh yeah’. Give it some variation, throw a, ‘bet you can’t get it all in your mouth’, or a sly, ‘look how big your mouth is, I know you can do better’. (Though the last one could STOP everything and turn her into, ‘what do you mean my mouth is big? What, you saying I talk too much? See, I knew it… my girlfriends told me about you.’ And you watch her walk away. So CAREFUL!)

4)      WALK THE STRUT IF YOU’VE TALKED THE GAME – there is nothing worse than bragging about your CRAZY head game or your WEST BANK dick that will have her screaming, ‘GAZAMISEH’… but she keeps biting him too hard in her mouth (‘ouchie’) and he can’t get hard enough when she’s on all fours. Don’t promise a porn star performance if you know you only need two positions to get your nut and drop to a quick slumber. Keep it real with yourself. Only offer what your willing to give. That way there’s no expectations.

WOMEN: Give him what he ordered or what you provided for him on the menu… if you’re willing to go that extra mile, let him know, or spring it on him when his mind is somewhere else.

MEN: okay… now… men have a tendency to talk a good game more than women do. But that’s because the onus is put on men to MAKE the sex good for both of you. Plus, it’s not our fault… unfortunately, and it’s yet to be scientifically proven, but, our dicks sometimes speak for us. So when the opportunity to talk sex arises, so does our junior selves. And they like to talk about all the things they can do, based on past experiences, but every time is different. So don’t think that you’ll be able to fuck for four hours like you did with your ex, and then come after five minutes. Which leads me on to my next point… you cannot… repeat CANNOT blame a case of premature ejaculation on her ‘good pussy’. They don’t buy it guys.

5)      SEX TOOL KIT – sex is not a plaster, it is not No More Nails, it will not FIX your problems, mend your broken heart or define your status on this planet. It will make you feel good for… as long as you can make it last for. Someone is thinking about having sex right now for all the wrong reasons, but, to them, they can’t see anything but legs in the air. It is a temporary euphoric release that dissipates after you’ve caught your breath after an orgasm. Because if you’re having sex to hide, mask or fix something, the pain of the wound will still be there.

WOMEN: rule sex, don’t let it rule you.

MEN: it may seem like the GALICE thing to do but sex is not a badge of honour.

Maybe you agree with my do’s and don’ts, maybe you think I’m way off, but, hey, you’ve been entertained!

Be good with it…

Peace and hair grease

Mr Oh

–
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E-mail: misterohyes@
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1. Let’s get the basics out of the way first. I’m not being funny, honey, but quality pussy has a price on it. Yes, it is true some women don’t know their worth but if you want the good pussy then you need to cough up.

2. I don’t know who told scores of men that women’s vaginas functioned like men’s penises. We do not just spring to attention like men. To get this spring flowing needs nurturing. I think a few tender licks to the clit will be sufficient.

3. Men, it’s all well and good for you to demand that your woman be fresh and smell fresh – nobody likes bad smells. However, before you say that ‘women’s pussies smell like fish’ how about you grate off the cheese hidden under your foreskin. Just to let you know, women’s bits clean themselves, too, thank you!

4. How would you feel if somebody poked their finger up your butt? A lot of you will probably feel punked. That’s how we start to feel if you forget to kiss us or always insist on doggystyle. It makes us feel cheap.

5. Men, please watch porn. Please. I can give you pointers on how to get me off but I’m not about to pause and give you a lesson on how to thrust and move a tool I do not have when I’m rearing to go. If you’re insisting on having sex with me, please know what you’re doing.

6. Regardless of what the Jamaican dancehall musicians state, ‘daggering’ is only good if your cock is up to a certain height. Big Boys, leave it to the Small Guys. Do not attempt to ‘dagger’ me so hard you’re touching my womb if you’re built like a Pepsi bottle. Women love sex but we value fertility more.

7. I was well on my way to finally mastering the deepthroat but then…you shoved my face further down your cock in excitement. I choked, my throat closed up and I almost puked. Sometimes a bit of patience is needed. Otherwise next time you do that, I’ll leave with your dick in my mouth. You’ve been warned.

8. I love how men fling you about and into different positions during sex like you’re a weightless doll. Yes, I am being sarcastic.

9. Fellas, contrary to popular belief, there is such thing as giving bad cunnilingus. Some of you have dry tongues that feel like sandpaper, others chew and chomp like we’re pieces of chicken. We prefer tender, firm, wet licks that hit the target.

10. Having said that, it’s 2010, baby. If you aren’t going down, you’re not sticking around. Case closed.

11. I know that all the players make taking off a bra seem easy. But seriously, babes, if you can’t just let me do it. Feeling you fumble for a minute or two kind of wounds the mood.

12. Lasting for a minute is fine. Occasionally. When it becomes a habit, we have a problem. Then we cheat, tell our friends or make songs. Remember Missy and Trina?

13. On the other hand, lasting for five hours is marvellous but sweetie, I dry up after one. Maybe one and a half max. I’m not an energiser bunny. And I’m not that fit. Plus, my mind starts to wander: ‘have I done the ironing? What time is it? Was my assignment good? I wonder who killed Tupac?’

14. With this one, all I ask is that you understand. With the amount of men that love to try and dodge the Dom we would love to have a cupboard full of them. It makes sense and the cost per unit would be much cheaper due to economies of scale. However, please understand that most men would judge us and assume we are sluts rather than safe. And even if we are or are not sluts, we still don’t want you to think we are. Therefore, it’s always better if you have them.
15. Sex is the only time when ugly faces are allowed. It doesn’t kill the mood it enhances it. But if I open my eyes and see you staring at me while you’re drilling me like a machine, it’s kind of creepy. Please, stop it or I’ll call the feds. You look like a rapist.

16. Guys, if you pour on all the game and sweet talk, and then kiss and lick all my erogenous zones and get me soaking wet I feel cum on my legs and then we fuck – you have no fucking right to turn around and call me easy. You made it impossible to resist!

17. A lot of guys love it when I queef but to those who get grossed out, if my pussy farts it’s YOUR fault!

18. Sweetie, if you want, spunk on me. You pick: my stomach, my back, my arse…but if you do, you have to wipe it off. Its logic.

19. Additionally, personally, I don’t spit because it’s impolite. But for the women that don’t want cum in their mouths, don’t do it if they don’t want it. I know a woman that will spit that shit back in your face. Just a warning.

20. I can’t speak for every female but I’ll tell you why I fake orgasms. I’ve never had a male-induced orgasm. I tell men this, they become so obsessed with my orgasm that they forget to enjoy the moment. And then that’s when they try and last for hours and I get bored by then. So, sometimes its easier to be extra loud at a point, grab the sheets, screw up the face then say you came when you didn’t. Its not that he’s bad, its just I don’t want him to judge his performance based on my inability to orgasm. I’m trying to be considerate.

21. Don’t expect head if you won’t kiss me after. If you don’t think your own juices are clean then the fact that you let me swallow it is an insult.

22. Last but not least – be honest. If you love me, let me know. If you’re confused, let me know. If you only want to fuck me, goodness, let me know! Who knows, I might just want to fuck too but give me the chance to say yes or no.

Many thanks to Nikita Nicks for writing this fantastic post.

Please comment and add your thoughts.

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can’t just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don’t, it’s your own fault when he’s snoozing and you’re all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It’s a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it’s not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that’s nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I don’t know who comes up with half that shit, but I’m pretty sure they need counselling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he’s pushing, skippy? Because you aren’t doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he’s given you. Pay attention to the signals that he’s sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He’s about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. I’m pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the Amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don’t want to go bare. That’s fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can’t shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That’s as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you’re ragging. He didn’t do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he’s hormonal, I suggest you get some knee-pads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you’re having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like “I stubbed my toe” “I ran up the steps” or “I was putting up drywall”.

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you’re sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it’s just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn’t be having sex anyway. Go back to Secondary School.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn’t be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissin’ quickies because it’s not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There’s an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn’t acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it’s an invitation, don’t look surprised when he “accidentally” sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If you’re shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. There’s no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn’t suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you’re riding him. It’s your body, you’re used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner’s hand when he’s touching you. Don’t like the way he’s doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn’t. Its your choice to stop, but don’t look all fucking surprised when he’s confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So you are a  feminist… Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn’t make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. Its OK to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It’s not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don’t ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn’t want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of “making love“. You’re not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it’s hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It’s how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is OK. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You’re having sex. That will happen. That’s the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he’s the best you’ve had, even if he isn’t.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don’t. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he’s doing everything right. And if he doesn’t know its not working, he’s not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of un-fulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven’t showered that day, and things smell a little…fishy…perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don’t care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They’ll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with make-up on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he’s probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like “it happens to every guy”. Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn’t, get off another way with him. He’s still capable of getting you off. Mumbling “Forget it” and rolling over are not OK.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of “was it good for you?”. Now is not a good time to ask “What this means”. Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

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There’s a lot of people out there dispensing relationship advice, but I’m not sure any of them are as entertaining and thought-provoking as comedian Eugene Mirman. In this video, he explains to women how they can go about finding a husband with such shrewd advice as “Don’t reveal how crazy you are for a few years.”

Take heed ladies!

If you’re anything like me, your sexual encounters are usually pretty awkward. Once you’ve been with a girlfriend or boyfriend for a while, they get used to your particular style and you’re in the clear, but you’ll never reach that point if you don’t make it past first-time sex with a new partner. Here are the 7 Stages of First-Time Sex with Someone:

1. The “Determining if You’re Going to Have Sex” Stage

A lot of people flirt in social situations, and sometimes it’s incredibly difficult to determine if someone is actually interested in you, or if they just want attention and that feeling of power that comes from a good, rigorous cock-teasing. Luckily, the rules are totally different in one-on-one situations, and there are very few people who can be deliberately sexually misleading when it’s just the two of you. Those people are known as “girlfriends” and they tend to operate like an M. Night Shyamalan film, they always make it seem like something is going to happen, and then you suddenly realize that you’ve spent the last two hours listening to her talk shit about something that you don’t give a shit about.

Other than that, if you’re getting strong sexual vibes from someone that you’re alone with, then there’s a pretty good chance that he or she is interested in having sex with you. Your intuition about sex in this situation works the same way as the intuition that you get when you find mysterious leftovers in your refrigerator: whatever you immediately think it is, there’s a really good chance that you’re right.

2. The “Psyching Yourself Up” Stage

There are two ways to psych yourself: up, and out. Try to avoid the latter at this stage. Psyching yourself up for sex is pretty easy. Just try to picture any porn that you’ve ever watched. You know how sometimes you saw the guy’s face, and it made you really uncomfortable? Well, imagine those parts, and put your face on his body. The vision of you banging a hot pornstar in your head will do the trick for you. If you’re still having trouble, just keep reminding yourself that you’re going to be having sex pretty soon, and that first-time sex is a lot like one of those weird carnivals that you see in public parks: it’s kind of creepy, and really sweaty, and there’s a good chance that it’s not going to be safe at all, but afterwards you’ll be glad that you experienced and survived it, and at the very least you’ll get a good story out of it.

3. The “Physical Checklist” Stage

This stage pretty much goes hand-in-hand with the previous stage. Shortly after psyching yourself up for sex, you’ll start to think about the physical state of your balls, and how that might effect the outcome of your evening. How long has it been since you last showered? Do your balls smell like the lunch buffet at an Indian restaurant? What pants are you wearing today? The ones that breathe pretty well, or some stuffy jeans that you found in your dirty laundry underneath a jerk off sock? When is the last time you trimmed your pubes? Did you wipe your ass really well after the last time you dropped a deuce? All of these things will run through your mind in a millisecond. Imagine that you’re a small, malnourished Filipino child at the end of a Nike assembly line: if you’ve missed something and you don’t catch it, there’s a good chance your day is going to end with someone saying, “go back to the hole you came from. You disgust me!”

The important thing to remember is that, at this stage, it probably doesn’t matter that much, unless you’ve determined that, say, it’s been three weeks since your last shower, or that you just shit your pants an hour ago. Otherwise, you’re probably okay.

4. The “Do I Care if the Other Person Enjoys It?” Stage

Like it or not, this is a pre-sex stage that you’re going to have to deal with. It’s very important to determine whether or not you care if your partner enjoys the experience or not, because this will determine how you perform in the heat of the action. There are several factors that come into play when making this determination: are you ever going to see this person again after tonight? Do you ever want to see this person again? Will this person converse with someone else that you’d eventually like to have sex with? The answer to these questions will help you to better determine your course of action as the evening plays itself out. It’s like deciding if you can eat your friend before embarking on a 19th century fur-trapping expedition with them in the dead of winter: sure, you’re not planning on consuming them to survive, but it’s definitely something that you should keep in mind, just in case.

5. The “Actually Having Sex” Stage

The “Actually Having Sex” Stage is easily the most difficult to manage. When you’re having sex, everything is as blurry as that scene in Taken where Liam Neeson is driving down the wrong side of the street at 100mph. Your mind is overwhelmed, and thinking too much is only going to hurt you.

It’s best to just sit back, relax, and try to focus on something. Welcome the tunnel vision that comes naturally, and just focus on whatever is right in front of you. If it’s a boob or a butt cheek, grab it. If it’s any other body part, kiss it or lick it, depending on how things are unfolding. You probably won’t have much time in this stage, so attempting to analyse anything is just going to be a waste of valuable time and focus, like a half-time speech from Alan Hansen. It’ll be over soon enough, anyway.

6. The “Excuses” Stage

Having sex is like murdering someone: if it goes well, you don’t need an excuse. Unfortunately, most of the time it’s incredibly messy, and you’re thinking “Jesus Christ, what the fuck was I thinking?! I need to get out of here right now.” At this point, usually you’ll come up with a variety of excuses to explain your shit sexual performance, ranging from “this never happens to me” to “you were making a noise, so I thought that you were liking what I was doing”. The important thing to remember here is to never apologize, no matter how terrible your performance was, and then attempt to fade off into obscurity and only show up when there’s a party you absolutely have to attend.

7. The “Should I Eat Something Before I Leave?” Stage

When you have sex, your body goes into a primal stage; you’ve satisfied the impulse for procreation, and now it demands that you feed yourself. Unfortunately, your body doesn’t take into account “pulling out and accidentally shooting your ejaculate onto a picture of your date’s deceased relative”. So, you then use your evolved brain to decide whether or not the situation is too awkward to feed yourself. A good way to tell if this is the case or not is to ask yourself: “if this were a movie starring Seth Rogen, would studio executives immediately green-light a sequel?” If the answer is yes, then it’s already far beyond awkward, and it can’t get any worse. You might as well help yourself to whatever is in the fridge before you head out.

If you ask most women what they’d like in a man, they’d say ‘honestly’. It’s a valiant quality and not found in most people. So how are you rewarded when you’re one of the few ‘honest’ ones out there? You’re rejected for love. What sort of world do we live in?

It looks as if online dating just isn’t cutting it. I suggest society heads back to an earlier time when you could just club a woman over the head and take her back to your cave. Ah, good times.