You know that girl you fancy, the one going out with that twat Dave in PR? You know she likes you right? She just can’t say it because she’s with HIM! She’ll break up with him though, and when she does you can pounce. You can swoop in and be her night in shining armor and get her all to yourself before anybody else can move it! Want to know how you can be first? How YOU can know before anybody else?

Breakup Notifier, that’s how. It’s like a little bot that stalks her Facebook and keeps track of her relationship status emails you the second it changes.

Let the stalking begin!

Courting…

Who the fuck courts anymore?

Who even knows how to court anymore?

One of the lost arts of a lost generation I guess…

Courting, in its prime, was the shit…

The term courting goes back to yesteryear when man used to roll on horseback
and smoke signals was the internet.
According to the dictionary, courting is to ‘seek the affections of or to
perform actions in order to attract for mating.’

For me, back in the day when I was in my youthful prime, courting took on
many different forms and allowed boys and girls to be able to break the ice
and introduce each other to the real way they feel.
Courting in my day was being able to separate a girl from her friends and
talk to her enough that you may possibly get a phone number (house phone).
If you can get the house number, then its time for conversation. If you had
good game, your next step will be a date (probably Trocadero or the cinema)
and after that, if you were able to get some fingering then you had scored.

You courted that shit RIGHT!

Today, as a grown ass man, courting has taken a technological turn down the
road of hellfire and damnation. The drivers of this vehicle that are taking
courting down that road are MySpace, FaceBook, Twitter and BlackBerry
Messenger.
Fuck it, the Internet itself.

The world wide web did for courting what Jesus Juice did for Michael
Jackson… didn’t help the case.
Before the creation of sites such as BlackPlanet (REEEEH, remember BP?)
people used to talk to each other face-to-face because that was the only way
they could communicate. Now, people are having two year relationships with
people ONLINE who they have never met or even heard their voice.

How can you taste the nuance of a person if you can’t see them talking?
Where do you have the time to bathe in their essence when they want to say
your name and it sounds like a PING? Can you tell whether they will be a
good fuck just by looking at an avatar?!
NO!
(Well kinda… depends on the angle of the picture, lol)

And that’s what courting was for.

Today, man are pissed if the girl in question isn’t banging them by the
second date and women are coming round to the idea that just ANY man will
not do and needs to come correct.

(DISCLAIMER: Not all women think this way. Some of you have ya heads on
straight and know what you want, where you want it and when. But those
ladies who are just happy to have dick in their life, fix up! Want more for
yaself!)

The art has courting has been reduced to fibre optics and ringtones that
tell you that someone is talking to you.

But what about the simple pleasures like the first conversation?

Yeah technology today makes things easier to HAVE conversations but, you
first have to create a digital avatar of yourself to RESPRESENT you and
portray who you want to be, even if it isn’t you.

But with conversation… real, voice-to-voice,
‘I’m-not-even-thinking-about-my-phone-bill-cuz-I’m-so-into this’
conversation’, you are able to speak to the person.

Hear their voice.
Listen to their laugh.
The nuances of their personality.
Learn what makes them laugh.
Those double meanings in conversation (HIM: So when are we gonna do it? HER:
Excuse me?)

Courting is a science.
An act of trying to get from a friend (or worst, the friends zone) to
someone who knows how to make her come and blackout afterwards.
Courting was, and still is for those veterans of the game, a way to be able
to break the ice with a potential mate and learn things about them. Things
that, had you not known beforehand, might’ve pissed you off about them and
made you think twice about chatting to them.

That’s what youts today are missing out on.

The learning.

The build up.

The anticipation.

The day you take courting from innocent conversation to a sex conversation.

You guys are missing the best shit…

Trust me, pussy is 10 times better when:

A)    You had to work REALLY hard for it

B)    You got it as a result of your hard courting work…

C)    The courting game you put in actually worked.

Society today is now now NOW…fast fast fast… I wanna be rich and famous
without working for it, I wannabe a singer or actor NOW, I want sex straight
away, I wanna fuck a celebrity and become a celebrity in my own right, if
that person has it, I want it too…

But the fine art of courting is dying out and giving way to an easier,
quicker, achieving faster results style of courting which someone is using
right now to get some.

You probably know them or they are sending you messages right now. They’re
asking you for a picture or asking about something you do sexually. Or they
say good morning to you in the hope you will send them a message back and
the ‘digital courting’ session can begin.

Ya parents did it, ya grandparents did it, you may have even thought about
it… but there is no better sense of accomplishment when you can speak to
someone of the opposite sex and get their name, age, phone number, blog
address even or an email address just from the gift of your gab.

When… no IF… you get some as a result (cuz you may not have complete game)
then you will feel like you earned it, you deserve it and you can get ANYONE
in the world with your courting game if you wanted.

Jill Scott, watch out, I’m coming for you…

BLOG: http://mrohyes.wordpress.com
Twitter: MrOhYes
FaceBook: Mista Oh
Email: [email protected]

Author of the Little Black Book trilogy…

Little Black Book – OUT NOW
Little Black Book 2 – Feb 2011
Little Black Book 3 – Feb 2012

–
Twitter/Myspace: Mr Oh Yes
FaceBook: Little Black Book

http://www.youtube.com/user/YesMrOh

E-mail: misterohyes@
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Little Black Book – OUT NOW

ISBN: 978-0-7552-1144-9

After reading Mr Oh’s blog entitled, ‘How to Approach a Woman’ it was only right that I posted my opinion in response to what he had written.  Suprisingly I actually agreed with most of the things he had to say on the point, and I applauded him on his ability to be able to delve into the psyche of a woman momentarily.  So this response is merely an attempt to provide a little more clarity into the reason’s why a woman may respond unfavourably to some of the pitiful advances thrown around by some of the male species.

Let’s get straight to it… Some of the lines you guys throw at us are just simply deplorable.  Alongside some of the ones Mr Oh mentioned I have added a few of my own.  Check this a man had the cheek to say this to one of my friends recently…

“Yo mysize! A pretty girl like you must have a name tho…”

#PAUSE… Is this a question?  Was this something that she was supposed to answer?  It is blatantly obvious that she does have a name, the same as every other homo sapien on this planet, however it was not made clear that this individual may actually want to know her name.

In this case I ask of the entire male species. Before you decide to spit out random lines like that, please ascertain whether the female will be ghetto enough to respond.  Otherwise you will get AIR…

I will continue;

I have also been asked this in 2010…

“Are you on MSN,”

#PAUSE… You are aware that I am not 15 right.. And also this is 2010, don’t you have a blackberry/whatsapp/twitter/fb/pingchat/ of all of the possible methods of communication in 2010 you had to draw for MSN.  I really doubt I need to explain why this approach was entirely misguided any more.

This line however can be hit or miss

“Don’t I know you from somewhere”

Now believe me if the female thinks you are sexy she will “know you from somewhere too.” LOL.  This could be an excellent conversation starter, you could even up with a new BB pin.  It is all a matter of chance with this line.  I wouldn’t urge the male species to disregard this one just yet.  Hold onto it for a little longer my yout…

Now referring to the line Mr Oh also commented on;

“I just wanna fuck you.  Simple as”

#PAUSE – Erm do I look like Kat Stacks?  And furthermore even if I was, are you famous though?????  EXACTLY!!!!!!  Please male species, I urge you once again before you think of saying these things to females please ascertain whether or not that female is ghetto enough to provide you with a response.  Otherwise it is just a pure waste of time and you are contributing to the screw face female population that Mr Oh also mentioned in this blog.

Now yes I am a screw faced female.  For exactly the reason’s Mr Oh pointed out.  I have been subjected to these peculiar lyrics thrown at me verbally for a good percentage of my adult life.  It has therefore required me to develop a ‘tuff face’ unless I see someone I really like and then you see it all changes…
To round up this blog, it is as simple as this.  The male species need to be able to read a woman much better than they have been doing in previous years.  To read a woman correctly will only lead you to good things.  However reading a woman wrongly, can end up in a severely awkward situation, which could end up in the man hanging onto to his masculine pride with his testicles!  What a funny picture….

Follow Me on Twitter:

@QueenBRochelle

“Now Craig, you know what your problem is? You have no game!”

(Friday)

That scene in Friday made every man cringe. To hear your own mother tell you that your problem with the ladies is that you have no game is a fate worse than losing your house keys when you need to pee.

But maybe mama’s got a point. Because there are plenty of men out there who have no style and finesse when it comes to the initial ice breaker between men and women.

Some men shy away from it and are pissed off AFTER the pretty woman has passed them by. But there is a larger section of swagger-filled men who come up with the most audacious, insane, borderline disrespectful chat up lines which sound comedic at first until you realise that they’re being serious.

Be it cultural diifferences, your social status, or your confidence level, there are 101, and then some, ways to approach a woman successfully. They may not work on every woman but every situation and woman is different. And it’s up to you, sir, as the delivery man, to know when and where to use the appropriate manoeuvre to get the necessary, positive response you always hope for.

Plus you have to be strong enough as a man to take the rejection if it comes. Even if it hits like a Peggy Mitchell slap.

You cannot tell a man how to approach a woman, he has to figure out for himself.  Only he will know when its time to go from ashy to classy.

It’s impossible to tell a guy whose ice breaker sounds like ‘oi, come ere’ to stop using it, especially if it has semi worked for him in the past. You have to break it down for him so the next time he complains that all he attracts are hoodrats, he will see the need for adaptation.

Some of the the worst lines I’ve heard include:

“I’ve got Wimpy coupons.”

“I just wanna fuck you. Simple as.”

“Do you like jollof rice with or without peas?”

And the timeless classic, “Don’t I know you from somewhere? I swear I know you.”

Men make approaching women difficult due to their own approach. After having a bag of poor representations in their boat race, women build their own defences so any more dregs won’t get through.

Don’t you think that some women have become as cold as they are when being approached because of the shit they’ve had to endure in the past?

Approaching women isn’t just about the woman, its more about you. What you want, what attracted you to her, what type of woman do you think she is, etc.

Never discount the fine art of conversation. Not only is it a useful tool in order to break the ice, it can be more erotic than watching porn. (Apparently)

With a woman, always pay attention. If you’re wondering how to pay attention to a woman who has just crossed your line of sight, here’s a few hints:

* check her demeanour, her walk, her face – all three will give you clues about whether or not your lyrics will stand a chance. Screw face ladies are 50-50 because their faces could naturally be that way. It’s possible that your approach could be the smile she needed for the day. And that’s always a good start.

* eye contact – if you walk past her and you sweat there was POSITIVE eye contact, you’d be forgiven for going for it. Remember, not all eye contact is positive and plenty fellas have failed over false eye contact.

* be confident – a woman will respond more positively to a man who is self-assured in his own skin and believes in what he is saying.

* fashion touch – don’t be scared to say something about what she is wearing. A compliment about a pair of shoes can lead onto, where she got them from, which leads onto the area the shop is in and what shopping is like up there and before you know it, you’re talking.

It is true that women are complex creatures. Some say its man that make them complex. That’s a NEXT argument, but as complex as women can be, they’re equally simple to adapt to. And armed with confidence, home training and the art of conversation, any man can try.

You may hit, you may miss, but at least your doing it.

Who knows, you may have a new BB pin as a result.

Mr Oh

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Twitter/Myspace: Mr Oh Yes
FaceBook: Little Black Book

http://www.youtube.com/user/YesMrOh

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Are you a dummy?
Are you trying to have a threesome?
Are you a dummy trying to have a threesome?
Are you man or woman enough to handle two people at once?

Because in a threesome, though there are three of you, its only about one.
You.
It’s your responsibility to make sure that two people get what they came for. There’s no point having a threesome where the ladies don’t play together, just a wasted opportunity. Obviously for him but she won’t be able to have the experience.
Taking all ego out of the equation, its not an easy feat to please two people at once. Whether its two women and one man or vice versa, you need to be able to walk into any situation and not be blinded sided if double-head arises.
At the end of it all, everyone should walk away feeling like they experienced an  experience.

Threesomes, at times, are not easy. Not easy to arrange, to endure and to deal with the aftermath, which can, at times, be quite messy. It’s not something to be entered into easily, especially if its a couple getting involved then its a whole different pack of condoms.

How do you know if a threesome is on the table? Sometimes you do, sometimes you dont. You may have to feel it out or you may have to book the hotel in advance. But you should always be prepared.
First thing to be considered when even thinking about a threesome is your reasons for having it in the first place. Dummies should know that a threesome will not fix a relationship if it’s in trouble.
If anything, it’ll raise more issues. There’s nothing like having to watch a partner do someone else while thinking, ‘they look too into that’.
If you want to have a threesome just for the experience then you need to remember that it is not the place to be catching feelings. One will start to feel the other, who starts to feel the other one who was bored with the whole thing.
So check your feelings at the door. Unless you’re a part of a couple, in which case just enjoy it for what it is. Because you’re going to see things that are going to make you think ‘hmmm?’

Next on your threesome check list is having an idea of what the hell your going to do IN the situation of three naked bodies going for gold!
Depending on the layout, be it ffm (female female male) or mmf (male male female) you are gonna be one busy person. If you are the woman in between two guys then you should make sure your head game is top class. But if your the guy between two women, make sure you are fully aware of what it truly means to multi-task.
Do your homework. It helps if you’ve slept with one of the participants before so you halve the work.

If it’s your first threesome then make sure your ‘bits’ are in the right, CLEAN order. This may seem like a basic request but this IS a list for dummies. Nothing worse than catching a look on someone’s face when they lick something with an “ewwww” screw.
NOT a good look.

Another factor to take into consideration when planning a threesome is to NOT force a situation that’s not meant to be. So if you’re bi-curious friend tells you that she’s thinking of experimenting, don’t try and force a moment. They are much more fun and enjoyable when they are planned. Or better yet, when one just… happens.

So…

If you’ve got past the planning stages and your staring at two dicks, four breasts or anything more than that, you will need to keep your wits about you because its about to get real freaky real fast.
So let’s break down the two basic threesome formations:

FFM (female female male)

* As the man, you are going to have a LOT of work to do so make sure your tongue and Dick game are on point.
* If you get tired or close to coming, find a way to put the two women together so you can take a breather, balance your equilibrium and get back in the game.
* You cannot afford NOT to pay attention otherwise someone won’t come. And there is no way you can walk out of that room like you represented if both women don’t come so watch what makes them say ‘ooooooooh’. But the flip side of trying to please two women is that the two women will please you too. And a blowjob from two women is a definite premature situation. So watch out. And stay woke.
* Women like women more than men like men so if the ladies want sometime to themselves, give it to ‘em. Sheeeeeet, sit back and take notes. There’s a lot to be learned about pleasing a woman from watching her pleased by another woman. But don’t sit back for too long and get left out like a SAP… it HAS happened, lol.
*Eat that pussy! There is nothing like having a woman sit on your face and the other one your dick. A chorus of coming you’ll never forget. And unless you have fingers that move like a Platinum Rabbit, you’re going to HAVE to eat some pussy.  There’s two of ‘em for crying out loud.
* If one of the ladies has that sweet, that nasty, that gushy stuff (or worse, they both do) you need to make sure that, should you win the race and come first, everyone else still gets to finish. Make them lie on top of each other and eat them together until round two kicks in. And PLEASE, please have a round two in you. That’s a good way to cement your performance and if your like Super Mario, and you handle the pipe, the ladies won’t say no.
POSITION OF CHOICE: Train of Thought (head train)

MMF (male male female)

* As the woman in this Man-wich, you have to understand that, at some point, you are going to look like a piece of meat on a rotating spit roast. That’s a given. In an effort to not ‘cross the streams’, each man is gonna take position as far away from the other man’s penis. And with a woman’s body,  that works out quite well.
* There is much less potential for the two men to play with each other so all attention is going to be on you. But you are also going to have to reciprocate and its going to be double the work so put your back in it. Two dicks have the potential to be too good, too bad or one good one bad. Eitherway you, miss lady, are gonna be busy.
* Having sex with one man is ego enough and two men is double the egos, so, at some point, you might feel tossed around and flipped over a little bit. This is when it becomes about them. What’s happening, while you lie dickful, is that both men are trying to outdo the other and make you come as many times as possible. Or the hardest. You have become the big piece of chicken between two hungry men and they BOTH want to do you justice. But, being the naughty girl you are, you hoped that would happen.
* Men don’t have a lot of mmf threesomes, unless they’re a part of The Lifestyle so a lot of their knowledge, and their desire to be there, comes from porn. Obvious I know but, at the same time, porn shows them what they won’t do. So trying to suck two dicks at once may make someone feel uncomfortable. No double fits or DPs either. But then you don’t wanna be the woman who didn’t ask.
* They are GOING to want to come on you. Preferably your face, mouth, breasts or booty. Having spent the time watching himself fuck you, and glancing over to watch the other guy on the sly, he’s going to want a porn ending. Whether or not you agree is up to how you much you like to be come on. Some of you might be saying ‘eww, what? Come on who?’ but some of you like to be splashed upon.
* If one of the dicks at you disposal runs out of steam early on in the race, expect the other guy to gain a new lease of life and attempt to fuck you senseless. That’s the ego again, showing the limp-dicked dude how its done. If you like some “up in ‘er belly daggering” then this is your time.
* After the event, its guaranteed that one of the men will call you and try and set up an ffm. His thinking is that if you were down for an mmf, you won’t say no to much else.
POSITION OF CHOICE: Switch & Spin (its not rocket science is it?)

By this point you should be confident enough to take one dick in each hand or multi-task both middle fingers at the same time. If you are still not sure, watch a bit more porn and see what you can and can’t handle.

OR…

Throw yaself in with both feet and test your own limits.
Just be safe and make sure all parties involved come nicely.

Good thrice-ing…

Twitter/Myspace: Mr Oh Yes
FaceBook: Little Black Book
http://www.youtube.com/user/YesMrOh

E-mail: misterohyes@
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Little Black Book – OUT NOW

Want spice in your sex life?

Douse each others genitals in Encona pepper and see who runs for the shower first.
If the prospect of spending the night in A&E with a burning crotch is TOO spicy for ya, then let’s tone is down and start simply.
If you are reading this thinking ‘yeah he HAS become a bit predictable’ or ‘I wish this fish would flop around a bit’ then this is the article for you.
When you hear the term ‘ spice up your sex life’ its a natural assumption that your sex life with your current partner is not up to the previous bar you set in the beginning. You must’ve been doing something right to be having sex in the first place, so now something has changed. Less enthusiasm, not so much noise, no effort to want to get into position, watching tv, are all signs that your partner is not impressed with the meal you have brought to the table.

There is one and only true way to spice up your sex life and that is for you to step up your game between heated sheets. Deliver a move on your partner that they didn’t even know they liked, make them come while doing a handstand, have phone sex with no touching and see if you can both come, etc.
Worst time to hear that your bland performance is in need of spice is while your in the middle of your thang, or even worse, just finished.
That means that your partner gave you a chance for a ‘fix up’ performance and you still fucked it up.
Talk about kick you in the face then punch you in the groin.

There is no right or wrong way to spice up your sex life. Realistically, the only true way to know is when your partner is lying next to you in a breathless heap.
But, there are plenty of ways to make things more interesting then a feeble fumble followed by a fail fuck.
When people talk about spicing up their sex lives, images come to mind of chains, whips, sexy outfits and spray cream. And though these things can create a bit of flavour to a 10-minute pumping, non-sweating sex session, its the simple things that work too.

Spend a night being different people. Not people you know, but then again that depends on your comfort level.
Go out for dinner, introduce yourselves as someone else and engage in conversation as strangers. Talk as if your meeting for the first time and don’t know anything about each other. Not only is it fun to create characters but by the time you get to your room, or home if you live together, you’ll be going at it like first timers.
All you need is the ability to play along, its not hard and could be quite enjoyable.

Spice is something that adds flavour to a meal, but always remember there needs to be a basic meal in the first place.
This is referring to the people who are well versed in providing necessary orgasms at will, on time, all day every day.
If your still struggling to make her come via just her clit, then you might need to hit the gym and do some jumping jacks.
Here are a few ‘spices’ to add to your meal:

* Close your eyes – its one thing to kiss with your eyes closed but have you ever had full sex with your eyes closed or blindfolded? Not just one of you, both of you?
From pre-foreplay to post-coital sleep, you don’t see, you just feel. Not a favourite amongst those who like to watch but there is a certain frenzied energy that builds that is definitely one to savour and share.

* No Bed – take one month, maYbe start with two weeks, and have sex everywhere else in your ramping shop.  The bed is too easy to fall into. Kitchen counter is always a good level for entry but put two pairs of trainers in a pillow case, put them in the washing machine and, during the spin cycle, make sure you both put your backs into it. Try the Scissors on the stairs for a. challenge.

* Anything Goes – and that means anything. Not regularly practiced to its extreme, it allows couples to really look at what does and doesn’t turn them on. Some of the suggestions may freak you out but your learning your partners limitations.

* Song for you – it is sometimes the spontaneous moments that take us by surprise and manage to catch us in that perfect space of ‘lets do this’.
Find a really classic, singalong love song and mime the words. Silly, yes, effective, yes. This isn’t something that will fix your entire sex life but it is a fun way to instigate a situation. Spontaneity equals massive score points. But read the situation. If you’ve pissed her off and try to play, and mime to Lenny Williams belting out CAUSE I LOOOOVE YOOOOOU, you might add fuel to her fire and then you’ll never get any.

Realistically this whole article should be ‘moo’ (a cow’s opinion, it just doesn’t matter) because you and your partner should be mixing and switching it up every chance you have to get busy.  Granted that certain factors like the time you’ve been together can play a part in the degeneration of your sex life but its up to you to be observant enough to notice that she’s not squirming the way she used to and he doesn’t grab the sheets when you do that ‘tried and tested’ tongue trick.

Spice is variety. Different things at different times. Some may work, some may not but its about sharing the experience that the pair of you at least tried. On the flip side, what you could possibly learn about your partner could be the key to unlocking the desires held deep within.

When you make a meal you add seasoning and spices. Some of them enhance the meal, some play down certain favours and some of them come with the right kick to straighten your back.
So the next time you have the opportunity to bump uglies with your partner of choice, try something new, be brave, you only live once…

Now go out there and tell your partner, ‘tonight we’re getting spicy’.

Twitter/Myspace: Mr Oh Yes
FaceBook: Little Black Book
http://www.youtube.com/user/YesMrOh

E-mail: misterohyes@
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Little Black Book – OUT NOW

ISBN: 978-0-7552-1144-9

“Just so you know, with us, it’s never off the table!” (Rachel Greene, Friends)

And that’s the cardinal rule to a Friend With Benefits! Not referring to the literal interpretation of the term ‘friend with benefits’, this is about a DIFFERENT kinda friend with a DIFFERENT kinda benefits.
Picture this: it’s saturday night, single you is sitting at home, not clubbing, friends are all busy, no partner on their way home with chinese food and a spliff, pay day’s a few weeks away so your broke and you just want to feel GOOD.
You don’t want to have the conversation about ‘what this could do to the friendship’ or how sex could change things, you just want to fuck.
Simple.

Who you gonna call?
Friend With Benefits!
HOLLA!

They don’t live far, they know what it is and they have the ability to really scratch the itch creeping up your spine. And that’s why you called.
There are three main friends with benefits, though they are interchangable.
They are: Close Friend, Do Me Quick Friend and Pact Friend.
All three are more than useful for their purpose and are more than capable of giving you the Ohgasm you so desperately needed.

Close Friend

This man or woman has been in your life for a number of years. They know you from the mole on your ankle to the secret sex scar you hide. Through break-ups and bad dates, this friend has always been at the end of the phone, ready to hear your voice, and not asking for much in return.
With a Close Friend, you never really discuss the prospect of moving you friendship into THAT space, it usually just… Happens.
Somewhere in London, this weekend, there’s going to be a person who calls their Close Friend because, for the longest time, they’ve been looking at them KINDA differently.
During the last DVD night, you may have thought there was something in the air but you ignored it.
You are fully aware that a relationship with Close Friend may not be on the cards, but you also know that if the idea for one night is on the table, they wouldn’t say no.
Close Friends usually strike during DVD night. Sexy films turn them on, action films cause them to cuddle up, romantic films are easy set-ups and boring films are easy distractions to suddenly find a Friend’s hand where it shouldn’t be. Or in this case should be.
Close Friends are good itch scratchers because they know what you want because you spend your friendship TELLING them what you want. The dangerous side to a Close Friend is that they are the best of all Friends. The little things about them that you find attractive may come to the surface and you soon find yourself having the conversation where someone says, “I just can’t stop thinking about that night.”
Tread lightly, set the rules and try not to pine.

Do Me Quick Friend

Not called Do Me Quick because they ‘arrive’ before the race begins.
This is the more random of the Friends. You’ve known them for months, maybe years, possibly went out back in the day, could be a friend’s cousin, best friend’s ex boyfriend’s friend or just someone from the ‘ends’.
The DMQ Friend is always there for conversation, even though you don’t speak to them that often. They more sort of pop up in your life every now and then. Between the two of you, there has always been that ‘vibe’ bubbling beneath the surface. They may have certain attributes of the Close Friend in being able to call them at the drop of a pair of Frenchies… And they know how to make you do the things you may have said you’d never do.
The DMQ Friend is usually gone with the wind afterwards and you may not hear from them for a cool hot minute but you can damn well ensure that they’ll be popping up again, talking all suggestive and shit, just to see “what’s up with you?”

Pact friend

The creme de la creme of all Friends. This is the person who is ALWAYS known as ‘Plan B’.
Available to come round at all times, delivers memorable, Hall Of Fame feats between the sheets almost every time and has you thinking, “hope you can you hear me you moany bastard next door!”
The Pact Friend shares Close Friend’s knowledge of you and your life, giving them the information to do you right. But they also share Do Me Quick Friend’s ability to drop in and out of your life.
But when they drop in, BWOI, do they make an impact!
Your Pact Friend has travelled on your SIM card through multiple phone changes and has never stopped crossing your mind. Even if you lie to yourself and don’t admit it. Everytime you get close to them, you feel something more but you know there’s something ‘flighty’ about them and settling down doesn’t seem like their cup of tea.
But that doesn’t stop them popping up in a text message, random phone call or the cream cake section in Tesco.
The relationship with a Pact Friend is different than the other two Friends because it is well and truly NEVER off the table!
As if you made an unwritten, once mentioned pact that if you were both single, it was H-Town time.
Sometimes they pop up while your in a relationship but the understanding you two have tells them that they know if they call back in a few months and you’re single, then it can be on like popcorn.
No question, straight invitation.
Especially if the last partner was not to you’re liking, or worse, didn’t give head.
But Pact Friend does you right. Male or female, day or night, they deliver that package!
Have you singing Jill Scott’s Crown Royal before an Ohgasm-induced coma knocks you out.

All three Friends With Benefits are well versed in the song called: your Ohgasm. And you got in touch because you wanted them to sing for you.
Could be one of those times when the single scene is looking so bad, your thinking of ‘switching teams’. (More ladies than fellas on that one, lol.)

So look after your friends, don’t just ‘silent’ your phone when you see them calling because they could be tomorrow’s Friend With Benefits.
If you were in a relationship then they would just be a friend but not everyone is, nor do some people want to be in a relationship.
Some are fine having a few Friends With Benefits to hook them up when they need a fix.

Whichever Friend you choose to call in order to get that Ohgasm, make sure you come really really hard. Otherwise, you’ll be pissed off afterwards.
Mr Oh

–
Twitter/Myspace: Mr Oh Yes
FaceBook: Little Black Book

http://www.youtube.com/user/YesMrOh

E-mail: misterohyes@
live.co.uk, yahoo.co.uk, googlemail.com

Little Black Book – OUT NOW

ISBN: 978-0-7552-1144-9

Authorsonline

tescobooks

whsmith

Play.com
amazon

TITLE: The Incredible Shrinking Artwork
SCAMMER NAME: John Boko
SCAMMER LOCATION: Abidjan, Cote d’Ivoire
SCAMBAITER: Shiver Metimbers

A slightly different twist on my now familiar artwork anti-scam. I manage to secure two pieces of artwork, but unfortunately due to the temperature and humidity fluctuations between here and West Africa, as well as rogue rodents, there are problems.

John Boko is a 419 scammer. Initially he sent out a standard 419 scam email under a different name. I gave him my standard Derek Trotter reply:

Thank you very much for your very interesting email, however I am afraid that I will be unable to help you at this time. These next three months are by far the busiest and most profitable period for my company and I cannot give any time to anything other than finding new artwork for our galleries especially wooden carvings.

You may already know of me since it was you that contacted me. My name is Derek Trotter and I am the director of Derek Trotter Fine Arts & Artist Scholarships. We are dealers in fine art and ethnic art from all over the world. We run eight art galleries and two scholarship centres here in the UK. We also offer scholarship donations to aid up and coming new artists who may otherwise not have the financial means to be able to produce or improve upon their work. Our scholarship payments range from between $25,000 and $150,000 depending on the potential of the artist.

I am sorry but I am unable to enter into your business proposition at this time, however if you have any contacts in your part of the world who may be artists that you think may benefit from our financial help then I would be very interested to be put in touch with them. We are especially very keen on promoting new artists with experience in wood carving and will be happy to offer a very generous $25,000 to $150,000 scholarship package to young or old artists with good potential who may benefit from our help.

If you know of an artist who could benefit from our financial help and who would be prepared to produce work for us to sell or promote then please do let me know.

Again I am sorry that I am unable to help with your proposition at this time but I wish you luck in finding somebody to help you.

Sincerely,

Derek Trotter
Director
Trotters Fine Arts

Boko never responded to that email, instead he waited a few days and got back to me under his new name, and strangely enough knew all about my company even though we don’t advertise anywhere!:

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: March 3, 2006
Subject: Special appeal

Sir,

I wish to write you this message after going through your company profile in the internet. I am a graphic designer and I am currently working with a group of four young men who are artistic and talented in art work.

After going through your web, I decided to write to know if your company could be helpful in the develoment of our career in art work design.

We are currently working as a team in a small village in Abidjan Ivory Coast, West Africa. At your demand, we shall be obliged to send to you some copies of our work.

Thanks and best regard
Mr John

So I make out I don’t have a clue who he his and reply as usual:

From: Derek Trotter
To: John Boko
Date: March 5, 2006

Dear Mr. Boko,

Thank you for your email.

Please note that we are not looking for work that has already been completed. If you require a donations/scholarship payment then you need to create a new piece of work to submit to us.

Before we proceed, let me introduce myself and tell you about my company. You may already have this information but I shall repeat it to you just in case not:

My name is Derek Trotter and I am the director of Trotter Fine Arts Dealer and Art Scholarships. We are dealers in fine art and ethnic art from all over the world and we supply many business and private customers we are a multimillion dollar company. We also offer scholarship donations to aid up and coming new artists who may otherwise not have the financial means to be able to produce or improve their work. Our scholarship payments range from between $25,000 and $150,000 depending on the potential of the artist.

The way our programme works is that we seek out new or up and coming artists all over the world who may not otherwise be financially able to promote or sell their work and then we help them to realise their full potential. We aid them by presenting them with a scholarship payment ranging from $25,000 to $150,000 which again is entirely dependent on their potential, but the minimum payment we award any artist willing to supply work for us is $25,000. Presently we are seeking artists who specialise in wooden sculptures.

HOW OUR DONATION/SCHOLARSHIP PROCEDURE WORKS:

1. Before we could make any kind of monetary payment to any artist we would of course require proof of your abilities. We do not ask artists to send in prepared samples of their work because of course there is no way for our foundation to know if the carving is indeed the artists own work, therefore we would require you to provide a brand new sample for us to evaluate your abilities.

2. My company will submit to you (by email attachment) a sample photograph or photographs. This may be of a person, a animal, a building or other such item. You would then be required to carve a representation of the image we send to you. Once your have completed the work it is to be sent to us for evaluation and then a donation amount would be awarded according to your skill or potential. Our donation payments range from between a minimum of $25,000 up to $150,000.

3. On receipt of a satisfactory piece of artwork my four board members will then gauge the quality and therefore the size of the donation/scholarship amount to send to you. The payment is sent by whatever means suits you best and is made within 24 hours of receiving your work.

IMPORTANT: The artwork will have to be shipped to us for evaluation. Please note that no payments whatsoever can be given in advance of receiving the artwork. It is very important that you understand this completely. Your shipping charges WILL be refunded in full however they will only be refunded once we receive the sample.

I hope that is clear to you, and if you are in agreement to the terms above please let me know as soon as possible and I will arrange for a sample picture to be sent to you by email attachment.

Kind regards,

Derek Trotter – Director
Trotters Fine Arts

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: March 7, 2006
Subject: Special appeal

Thank very much for your prompt reply and explanations. Actually, I will like to work with your company if you must remain faithful to your bond and I promise that I will give out my best as well.

I will be looking forward to receive the sample.

thanks and best regard.

John

From: Derek Trotter
To: John Boko
Date: March 7, 2006

Dear Mr. John,

Instructions for your or your artist can be found below. Please let me know if you have any questions.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR ARTISTS:

As mentioned on my previous email to you, before we can send you the donation/scholarship payment, you will have to submit a piece of work to our requirements. This serves to ensure the work is indeed your own artists work, and also so that we can gauge the quality of your artists workmanship.

Please find attached to this email the sample images. We have taken great care to photograph the sample images from various angles so that your artist can see the sample from ever possible angle and know exactly the layout of the object, which in this case is a dog and a cat sitting on chair. The artist will be required to make a carving of this piece in the wood of his/her choice. The sample we send has been specially selected to show off various skills. Please note the following rules:

1. The carving can be any size you choose but must be a MINIMUM of 10 inches along the longest length. Obviously you will need to take into consideration the weight of the carving so that the shipping cost is not to great for you, however, remember that we will of course reimburse your shipping costs in full on receipt of the artwork. As an example to you, the normal LENGTH of this particular carving along the longest length is 14 inches. You may make your bigger or smaller but no bigger than 20 inches along the longest length.

2. The carving can be in any type of wood that you choose, and must NOT be painted. Obviously the quality of the wood, and if possible a polished smooth finish will increase the chances of your donation payment being larger. Hard woods such as ebony, mahogany, walnut or cherry would be preferable woods to use however we are happy to leave the choice of wood up to your artists.

Attention to detail is important and will help my board members to judge the skill of the artists. You will see that the attached picture has many small details. Try to capture as much detail as possible.

NOTE: An exact duplicate of the sample is not required as we are presently uncertain of your skills, however the closer your work is to the supplied sample then the higher the donation payment is likely to be. We realise of course that to exactly duplicate the carving would take an artist of exceptional skill, so we do not expect the carving to be of such detail and quality, however the closer to the original artwork that your artist can reproduce the sample in wood, the larger the donation amount will be.

Please bear in mind that the artwork will have to be shipped to us for inspection before the donation payment is given, so obviously you must take into consideration the weight of the artwork so that the shipping cost is not too high for you.

You will need to ship the completed sample to us by a courier such as FedEx or DHL. All your shipping fees will be refunded in full but your fees will only be refunded AFTER we receive the completed sample. It is not our company policy to pay for work that we have not yet received.

On receipt of satisfactory artwork we will then judge the skill level of the artist submission and will reward you with a monetary donation depending on the quality of your work As mentioned previously, the minimum donation amount per artist is $25,000 but this can rise up to $150,000 per artist. Note that my board member will usually pay higher amounts for carvings which have obviously taken great skill and time to produce. Donation payment are usually given within 24 hours of us receiving the sample artwork.

Should your artists be some skill we would then like to make arrangements to have some more work produced by you after we have received your sample. If this is the case we will of course pay your full fees in advance. As a guideline for good quality carvings we tend to pay between $8,000 – $15,000 per item, so as you can see if your work is of sufficient quality you could benefit greatly from our partnership.

I hope that is of help to you and I look forward to hearing from you soon. If you have any further questions please do not hesitate to ask. Please note that once you receive this email and agree to our terms your artist must have his carving ready to submit to us within 4 weeks.

Also, please let me know when you expect to have the artwork ready for shipping. In the meantime, please can you tell me what your preferred method of payment is?

Kind regards,

Derek Trotter – Director
Trotters Fine Arts

I attach 10 sample pictures of the item I want carving. Three small example images are below though the pictures I sent to Boko were very large and detailed.

UK readers will probably recognise the pictures as the animals from the UK TV series “Creature Comforts“. Meet Trixie and Captain Cuddlepuss. I’m sure you can work out which is which! This particular piece is from my personal collection of Creature Comforts collectibles 

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: March 7, 2006
Subject: Re: Special appeal

Thank for your quick reply.

I have only but one questions after going through the sample you gave to me. Could the items on top of the chair be attached to it when doing the calving or could they be separated from the chair? Can they be calved saperately?

Thanks

John

From: Derek Trotter
To: John Boko
Date: March 7, 2006

Dear Mr. John,

Thank you for your email and for checking with me. I see that you are very thorough with your work, this is most encouraging.

The cat, dog and chair can be carved separately if you so wish.

Kind regards,

Derek Trotter – Director
Trotters Fine Arts

10 days go by without any contact. John then gets in touch.

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: March 17, 2006
Subject: Re: Special appeal

Sir,

I will like to know the shipping address for my sample.

Best regard.

John

I give John the details of my non-existent secretary’s address.

From: Derek Trotter
To: John Boko
Date: March 17, 2006

Dear John,

As you have requested, the address of our head office is below.

Please mark the package for the attention of my secretary Miss. Paula Jervis. I am usually out of the office most of the say so Miss Jervis will advise me the moment your package arrives to that I can see to your case immediately. Note that we have several different departments in our building so it is very important that you address the shipment exactly as below:

Miss Paula Jervis
D.T.F.A.
16 xxxxx Street
xxxx
xxxxxxxx
xxx xxxx
England
United Kingdom

Please advise me of the tracking number and carrier so that I will know when to expect the delivery of the package. Payments usually require 24 hours notice to process, however if I am aware of the probably date of arrival I can ensure that your particular payment is processed as soon as possible.

VERY IMPORTANT: Mark the item value as US $20 and also as a gift because if not the import tax may be very substantial in which case we will be unable to collect the package.

Please do take great care in packaging the item. In the past we have had items delivered to us that have been damaged due to poor packaging. We are unable to accept damaged goods.

If possible please forward us a photograph of the sample before you ship it. This is not important, but if you send us a picture before you ship it then it will help my board members prepare more efficiently for your donation/scholarship payment.

Sincerely,

Derek Trotter – Director
Trotters Fine Arts

Good news. The package is on the way.

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: March 21, 2006
Subject: Re: Special appeal

Sir,

I have been able to package and send the sample today by FedEx with tracking 8564746XXXXX

I was told by fedex agent here that it ought to arrive by wednesday. They also said that the tracking will start functioning when the package has arrived on transit in France. So I believed it will start tracking before the end of today otherwise the number is ok.

I attached a photo of the sample for your view.

John

John attaches a photo of the carving. Looks promising:

From: Derek Trotter
To: John Boko
Date: March 20, 2006

Dear John,

Thank you for your email. I shall check the details later this evening on the Federal Express site. Thank you also for sending the photograph. The piece does look very nice.

Please can you send me the following information so that we can start the process of getting any payment ready?:

1. Full name and address of the person that the payment is to be made to
2. The type of payment you require (bank transfer, check, Western Union etc.).

Thank you for your work so far.

Sincerely,

Derek Trotter – Director
Trotters Fine Arts

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: March 21, 2006
Subject: Re: Special appeal

sir,

Thank very much for your quick reply as well. I am sory that the picture does not appear very well it is poor photographic production. As you can see, here in Africa, it is rare to get a photographer with sophiscated camera. Haa!! haa!! africa is still too behind compare to your technology over there.

Meanwhile, I will prefer to receive my payment through western union money transfer in the name of

Mr John Boko
Abidjan Cote d’Ivoire

Thanks and best regard

I’ll leave John hanging on for a reply.

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: March 23, 2006
Subject: Re: Special appeal

Dear sir,

How are you today? I hope you are alright? I’m worried why the sudden silence since yesterday. Please let me know if you are alright if so has the package arrived to you? Please send me your phone numer.

Wishing for urgent reply.

John

From: Derek Trotter
To: John Boko
Date: March 24, 2006

Dear John,

I did send you a message yesterday but it appears that you did not receive it.

Anyway, the package was delayed at customs yesterday so I did not receive it. I have checked the FedEx site today and it now seems that it will be delivered at my location sometime today.

At the moment I am helping with some aerial photographs at Blackpool Tower and shall not return to my office until later this afternoon. My secretary will alert me the moment that your package arrives and then I shall contact you ASAP.

Sincerely,

Derek Trotter – Director
Trotters Fine Arts

The package arrives, but there’s a problem – well, a problem for John that is!

From: Derek Trotter
To: John Boko
Date: March 25, 2006

Dear John,

I think you must be having a problem with your email.

I sent an email to you yesterday to explain in full the problems but you do not seem to have been receiving my messages. It may help if you can supply me with a more reliable email address to contact you on for faster and more secure communications.

Here is the problem.

You will recall in my email to you of 7th March that the MINIMUM length for the carving must be 10 inches along the longest length. I quote for the instructions:

1. The carving can be any size you choose but must be a MINIMUM of 10 inches along the longest length. Obviously you will need to take into consideration the weight of the carving so that the shipping cost is not to great for you, however, remember that we will of course reimburse your shipping costs in full on receipt of the artwork. As an example to you, the normal LENGTH of this particular carving along the longest length is 14 inches. You may make your bigger or smaller but no bigger than 20 inches along the longest length.

When the carving arrived there seemed to be a small amount of damage, however this is not the problem. During the shipping process something must have happened to the wood (perhaps the temperature changes?) because when the carving arrived and I inspected it, the length of the carving is very small, at only five inches along the longest length. This is half the minimum site as stated to you on 7th March.

The strange thing is that the box you shipped the carving in seems to be much bigger than the carving inside, which leads me to think that there has been some kind of shrinkage due to either the temperature changes or a combination of this and the type of week used.

I will of course be most happy to supply you with photographs of the carving to show you exactly what I mean.

I do not know if the board members will be prepared to accept this however I cannot tell you for certain now until Monday morning (we do not work over the weekends obviously).

Please let me know if you need any photographs and also let me know if you have some explanation for what may have happened.

Sincerely,

Derek Trotter – Director
Trotters Fine Arts
www.deltrotter.co.uk

Of course the carving didn’t shrink at all. It arrived in perfect condition, but John doesn’t know that:

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: March 25, 2006
Subject: Re: Special appeal

I will wait till Monday.

Bye

John

Monday arrives…. And passes without my reply. Now it’s Wednesday.

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: March 29, 2006
Subject: Re: Special appeal

Sir,

I hope all is well with you. I am still waiting to hear from you as you promised in your last email. Do I have any hope as a consideration.

John

From: Derek Trotter
To: John Boko
Date: March 30, 2006

Dear John,

I have attached photographs of the carving as it arrived with us. I am sorry but the board members will not accept such a small sample. As you can see, the item is less than half the minimum size. The submissions rules are extremely strict and we cannot change them to suit any individual person as we have to operate under strict guidelines as a UK registered scholarship centre.

You have two choices. Please let me know which of the two you want:

1. We can return this item back to you and once you have confirmed receipt of it we can refund your shipping.

2. Your artist can submit a new sample which meets the size guidelines.

I must tell you that had this item been of the required size then you artist would most definitely have been eligible for a donation payment. It is obvious that he has good skills but unfortunately there is nothing I can do unless the submission rules are observed.

If you artists wished to resubmit some work in the correct size then do let me know. He would have to submit a different carving though so if he wishes to resubmit then do let me know so that I can forward you some new images.

As for my contact telephone number I can be reached on (UK) +44 8707 65X XXX

Sincerely,

Derek Trotter – Director
Trotters Fine Arts

I attach three photos showing the “shrinkage”. Of course, the carving is fine but the images are fake. With a bit of photo manipulation I reduced the apparent size of the carvings by about three inches in length:

Looks like John is going to submit a new sample. Cool!

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: March 30, 2006
Subject: Re: Special appeal

Sir,

The sample instruction was misunderstood before my calving. It was after the shipment that I discoverred that the instruction reads inches while I had my measurement in cm.

However, I wish that you will still have some considerations while proper care will be taken in further edition.

I’m glad to read your message. I will prefer taking another chance. If you can send me another sample, then I will do my best to give you the required calving.
I will call you later while I expect the new sample.

Thanks and God bless

John

I send more sample images to John to work from. I’m a big fan of the Commodore 64 computer, so lets see if John can make me one!

From: Derek Trotter
To: John Boko
Date: March 30, 2006

Dear John,

Thank you for your telephone call a short while ago.

I have just had discussions with my art department and they have decided to, send a more technical sample for your artists. It is quite obvious even from the small carving that your artist has some very good skills so they would like to test him on a more technical type of carving, in this case reproducing as much as possible a computer keyboard in wood..

We are holding a new art exhibition which were are planning in the middle of this year. The exhibition theme is “New From Old”. Basically it is a representation of new technology created by old methods, so for instance we are looking for artists capable of carving or sculpting copies of modern technology, such as computer keyboards, computer mice, mobile phones etc. Judging by your artists previous work we are quite sure that he would be of sufficient skill to reproduce such work for us.

I shall repeat the previous instructions for you again John, but this time with a few small changes. Please note that all dimensions are in INCHES:

INSTRUCTIONS FOR ARTISTS:

Please find attached to this email the sample images. In this case they are photos of a computer/keyboard. You may recognise this machine as the Commodore 64 computer. This is what we require you to carve as a sample of your work, We have taken great care to photograph the sample from various angles so that you know exactly the layout of the object. The artist will be required to make a carving of this piece in the wood of his/her choice. The sample we send has been specially selected to show off various skills. Please note the following rules:

1. The carving can be any size you choose however the MINIMUM size must be 10 inches along the longest length. Obviously you will need to take into consideration the weight of the carving so that the shipping cost is not to great for you, however, remember that we will of course reimburse your shipping costs in full on receipt of the artwork. For your information, the real LENGTH of this object is 18 inches, the DEPTH is 8 inches, and the HEIGHT at the highest point is 3 inches.

2. Again the carving can be in any type of wood that you choose, and must NOT be painted. Obviously the quality of the wood, and if possible a polished smooth finish will increase the chances of your donation payment being larger. We recommend a quality hardwood such as rosewood or similar, but of course we will leave the choice entirely to you.

3. Notice that there are letters on TOP the keys of the keyboard as is normal. If possible we would like you to include these letters on the carving sample, however the letters must be carved into the wood, not drawn/pained. You may completely ignore the other symbols that appear near the front edge of the keys however. If you need a clearer explanation of this please do contact me either by telephone or email for clarity.

NOTE: As before an exact duplicate of the sample is not required, however the closer your work is to the supplied sample then the higher the donation payment is likely to be. We realise of course that to exactly duplicate the carving would take an artist of exceptional skill, so we do not expect the carving to be of such detail and quality, however the closer to the original artwork that your artist can reproduce the sample in wood, the larger the donation amount will be.

Please do contact me immediately if any of the above information is unclear to you.

Sincerely,

Derek Trotter – Director
Trotters Fine Arts

I send John a dozen very high resolution pictures of a C64 taken from various angles. A selection of much smaller versions are below:

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: April 1, 2006
Subject: Re: Special appeal

Sir,

I want to tell you that the work is in progress and immediately it is finished, I will alert you.

Wishing you happy weekend.

John

I don’t bother to reply and decide to let John get on with the work. A week later I get the expected, “give me some cash” message.

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: April 8, 2006
Subject: Re: Special appeal

Sir,

Thanks for your letter. The work is almost finishing. I expect to ship it before wednesday next week.

If you wouldn’t mind, I am presently in poor financial state as this sample will cost me higher amount due to the size this time around. as you suggested before this second sample to either send me the shipping cost of the first sample and to return of it to me, i will appreciate if you can send me the money so as to help me in shipping this new sample. I don’t think sending the sample to me will be of any use, rather if you can calculate the cost of sending it with the shipment expenses which I spent about $150 and send it to me through western union in the name of John Boko. It will help me a long well in shipping the new sample to your office.

I will appreciate your kind understanding in this regard.

Thanks and best wishes.

John

Time to frighten John into thinking he may have pushed his luck too far.

From: Derek Trotter
To: John Boko
Date: April 8, 2006

Dear John,

Two things:

1. The shipping charge would not be anywhere near $150. The last item you shipped cost less than $50 according to the Federal Express receipt I have, so where you are getting the $150 price from I do not know. Even if the second sample was three times the weight of the first sample then the shipping charge would be approximately $72. I have sent and received many many items (approximately 200+ a year) by Federal Express all over the world, so I am well aware of what the shipping charges are likely to be.

2. Again I must repeat that we do not send any money in advance of receiving a correct sample.

I am sorry John, but as you appear not to be able to send the new sample I will have to close your donation case. I shall make arrangement to have your first sample returned to you by Federal Express on Monday morning.

Please inform your artist to cease all work on the second sample.

Sincerely,
Derek Trotter – Director
Trotters Fine Arts

As expected, John quickly changes his tune at the prospect of losing thousands of dollars.

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: April 8, 2006
Subject: Re: Special appeal

Sir,

I read your message and understand that you sound bad about my request. I want to tell you here that I was charged about 56000 cfa while $100 is about 45000 cfa. I can scan the receipt to you if you wish to see it. so I did not in anyway lie to you but I asked for only a favour. remember according to your instruction before I shipped the item, the worth of the good is understimated to be $10 which i know you did not base your estimation on that.

I never wished that you will sound so aggressive on this request. Nevertheless I will send the package as early promised unless you do not desire that the relationship continues.

John

That’s more like it John.

A couple of days later, John lets me know the second sample is nearly ready for shipping.

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: April 10, 2006
Subject: Re: Special appeal

Sir,

I will update you asap. I never meant to delay it but due to several other works we are doing for our customers, that was why it was delayed up to this 11 days. The finishing touches is going on and by the grace of God I will send it tomorrow.

Thanks and God bless

John

From: Derek Trotter
To: John Boko
Date: April 10, 2006

Dear John,

Thank you for keeping me updated.

If possible, are you able to let me know the dimensions of the carving? A photograph before you ship it would be appreciated however this is not too important.

Sincerely,

Derek Trotter – Director
Trotters Fine Arts

John contacts me to let me know the carving is ready to ship.

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: April 11, 2006
Subject: Re: Special appeal

Sir,

I have completed the sample but was unable to ship it today due to public holidays here. I don’t know if it effected London too. I have attached a scan photo of the sample from three different views.

I will make sure it is sent by tomorrow and by the Grace of God it will reach you before Friday.

Thanks and best regard.

John

The photos look promising, though as an aficionado of the Commodore 64 I am slightly disappointed that the function keys are the same size as the normal keys!

From: Derek Trotter
To: John Boko
Date: April 12, 2006

Dear John,

Thank you for sending me the image. The carving looks very impressive and I am sure the board members will be pleased with the result. I am sorry I was not able to speak with you on Tuesday as myself any my colleagues were at a art exhibition and did not return to the office at all until today.

Thank you for all your efforts so far and I will of course contact you immediately that the sample arrives.

Sincerely,

Derek Trotter – Director
Trotters Fine Arts

John sends me the tracking details.

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: April 14, 2006
Subject: Re: Special appeal

Sir,

this is the tracking number:85647474XXXX

Please try and let me know when you get it as promised.

regards

John

A quick check on the Federal Express site reveals the package is indeed on its way and comes in at an impressive 6 Kilos!

The package arrives. There was a slight delay due to the UK Bank Holiday, but at least it arrived undamaged. John must have checked the FedEx site to see if it had arrived as I receive the following email from him at the same time.

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: April 18, 2006
Subject: Re: Special appeal

Sir

How are you today? I hope you had a nice easter holidays.

Please I want to find out if you have received the sample. From the tracking information, it is ready for clearance.

Pls update me when it is through.

Regard

John

And here’s some photos of the carving I received:

(Click to open large image)

The carving weighs just under 6 kilos and is larger than a real Commodore 64. It’s a big beast! Total shipping cost came to UK £121

Time to let john know the package has arrived so that he can start to make plans for what he is going to spend his money on.

From: Derek Trotter
To: John Boko
Date: April 19, 2006

Dear John,

Just to let you know that I have no taken possession of the package which you sent to me and I will be examining it later today along with my board members. I shall be in touch with you very shortly.

Sincerely,

Derek Trotter – Director
Trotters Fine Arts

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: April 20, 2006
Subject: Re: Special appeal

Sir,

How are you today? Hope there is no problem. My effort to reach you on phone was not successful uptil now. Pls update me on the statue.

Regards

John

I do not bother to reply.

Derek is away on business, so his brother takes over the case.

From: Rodney Trotter
To: John Boko
Date: April 20, 2006

Dear Mr, Boko,

My name is Rodney Trotter and I am the brother of Derek Trotter. I am also the head of sales for our company.

My brother is unfortunately unavailable at the moment as he is attending an art exhibition in Blackpool, Germany and will not return until the end of next week. My apologies if you have tried to contact him and received no reply. His attendance was needed at very short notice. I have been given charge of your application.

I am just letting you know that the board members are currently examining your work and I hope to be able to report back to you later today.

Yours faithfully,

Rodney Trotter – Sales
Trotters Fine Art

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: April 20, 2006
Subject: Re: Introduction

Dear Mr Rodney,

I’m pleased over your message of introduction and update. Actually, I have tried several times without success to reach Mr Derek; both on phone and email.
Nevertheless, I’m glad to hear that your company is in the process of examining my sample. I hope for better and favourable report.

Thanks and best regard as I wish that you will keep me updated until the return of your brother.

Best Regard

John

From: Rodney Trotter
To: John Boko
Date: April 21, 2006

Dear Mr. Boko,

Thank you for your reply yesterday. I am sorry for the slight delay in my reply however I have been trying to investigate the latest “problem” with your submission and I had to make a few calls.

It appears that your package was infiltrated by a rodent, more accurately a hamster. We have provisionally named it ‘Bert’. Unfortunately Bert must have been caught inside the packaging during shipping somewhere between your location and our head office. Initial veterinary reports point to Bert being an African hamster, so I can only assume that Bert chewed his way into the packaging shortly after you posted it.

I am afraid Bert has badly damaged the carving as can be seen in the attached photographs. Bert has gnawed a hole all the way through the carving as well as creating many smaller holes around the piece.

Before my brother left for the Blackpool exhibition he and I managed to capture Bert so that we could take it to the vets to have it examined to try to find out exactly where he came from.

To my shame I have to admit that I was extremely disappointed and indeed angry with Bert for the damage that he caused to your impressive work, and as you can see I was ready to shoot him, however my brother is a very active animal rights campaigner and would not allow it. He made me promise to take Bert to out local hamster sanctuary which is indeed what I have done.

Under normal circumstances items which arrive damaged are usually disqualified by us, but under these exceptional circumstances the board members have decided to try to come to some agreement on a donation payment as soon as possible. I shall contact you again hopefully later today to let you know the outcome of this meeting.

Sincerely,

Rodney Trotter – Sales
Trotters Fine Art

I attach photos of Bert and the damage he has caused. The damage is of course faked. No Commodore 64 computer was harmed during this scambait:

A short and sweet reply from John.

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: April 21, 2006
Subject: ok

OK!

And later after no reply from Rodney Trotter:

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: April 22, 2006
Subject: Re: ok

Sir,

Still waiting

John

And again:

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: April 23, 2006
Subject: Re: ok

Till date no more comment.

John

Time for some bad news I think.

From: DCI Roy Slater – UK Police
To: John Boko
Date: April 24, 2006

Dear Sir.

Ref. Case No. #1312212/132

According to our information you have recently had dealings with a person calling himself Derek Trotter and a company called Trotters Fine Arts. Please can you confirm to me that this is the case?

I am afraid to have to report to you that Mr. Trotter is in fact not who he says he is. In fact Mr. Trotter’s real name is David Jason, and he is a known art forger and fraudster who we have been closely watching for nearly seven months. Mr. Jason has been arrested and is currently in our custody along with three of his accomplices.

We are seeking information on Mr. Jason’s recent dealings and also witnesses who can provide detailed facts and dates which may help us in a future criminal prosecution against him and his associates.

According to some of the information we have found on Mr. Jason’s computer, you recently communicated with him and send some pieces of artwork in order to claim a donation payment. I am sorry to say that the story that Mr. Jason gave to you about providing a scholarship and donation scheme are entirely false, and items which were sent to him by artists have been sold on to collectors at vast profits. For instance the first carving that you sent to him (a cat and a dog on a chair) was recently sold to an underground dealer for £32,700. Unfortunately the poor artists who supplied these works are not receiving a single penny for their work. To date Mr. Jason has defrauded over 200 artists, none of which have received any payment whatsoever. As far as we are able to calculate, Mr. Jason has illegally sold artwork to the total value of £1.7 million pounds.

The address that you were given for Trotter’s Fine Arts is in fact that of a post office. Mr. Jason gave artists this address and then he collected the items from the post office using false identification. Trotters Fine Arts does not, and has never existed at any real location.

If you wish to pursue a claim against Mr. Jason then please do get back to me at this address, quoting the case reference number above. I can also pass your details onto the criminal compensations department and possibly have some compensation sent to you.

I am sorry to give you such distressing news however you have my personal assurance that Mr. Jason and his cohorts will suffer the full force of the law.

In good faith.

DCI Roy Slater
UK Met Police

A day goes by. John senses he is being played for a fool, and decided to contact Brian Anthony with a proposition:

From: John Boko
To: Derek Trotter
Date: April 25, 2006
Subject: attn mr derek

Sir,

How are you today? Without doubt you are doing well. I know it will be difficult for you to reply my last messages. It is really nice to know that the game was for fast lane. I’m not in any way against your plight but know that I have known what is involved, why not make it a win, win game.

Even before I got the strange mail from slatter which I send copy to you, the game was clear to me. I know he himself has his own motive which might not be far from gaining his own interest.

I thought of our correspondence and I found that that we can be useful to each other. Now, you are convinced that I can offer the product you need and I’m sure you have the moving market for the product.

Why can’t we forget the donation of a thing and when I work out an art work you will sell and pay me according to price we agreed on. The amount you make out it should not be my concern but what covers my expensse with small coin will be surficient and satisfactory.Think about!

John

DCI Slater did tell John that the Trotters Fine Arts email system had been shut down….

To: John Boko
Date: April 25, 2006

*** AUTOMATED MESSAGE – PLEASE DO NOT REPLY AS YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE A REPLY ***

Dear Sir or Madam.

This is the automated mailserver system for: **deltrotter.co.uk**

Please note that this system is now no longer in use. The account that you are trying to contact has been closed until further notice.

Please do not reply to this automated email because you will not receive a reply.

A copy of your message has been included below.

Thank you……..

Via 419eater

Cookies, you have posed a very interesting question that not many people think about when it comes to personal computer maintenance. The downside to your question is that it has a very complex answer. The way you phrased it tosses a large net over a topic that’s very specific that has many tiny cogs and gears to consider. But, if we were to cast the large net, we would say, yes; downloading files does add weight to your computer. But, if we were to get down to the nitty gritty, we’d discover that different files carry with them different weights that can add to your hard drive’s heft.

Simple files (like anything Microsoft office produces, for example)weigh in at only a couple of grams each; so having a lot of saved .docs and .xls files shouldn’t be too much of a problem, unless of course, you have an old and heavily used hard drive. The real problem comes in to play when you’re downloading larger files, like songs or videos. But, again, we can’t cast a large net here, because it’s the specifics that count.

If you’re downloading entire season of Two And A Half Men, your computer may be as light and airy as a mid-afternoon biscuit, as the files aren’t as weighed down by high caliber writing, non-clichéd premises, and genuine emotion that isn’t be manipulated out of you by a cringe-worthy laugh track. Conversely, just one episode of Breaking Bad can add a pound to a pound-and-a-half of weight due to the show’s high quality drama and intense “Holy Shit!” moments. The point is, the higher the quality of the file, the heavier the computer.

Here’s a handy guide for downloading TV Shows:

Heavy: 30 Rock, Arrested Development, Firefly, Dexter, Battlestar Galactica, Community, Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Seinfeld, Spaced.

Light: Everything else.

But the biggest way for your computer to pack on the digital pounds is with pornography. Your average video of a man and a women engaging in raunchy, non-procreation-based copulation can add a something in the neighborhood of 7 or 8 ounces. A video of a woman with a bunch of lawn ornaments all up in her can weigh 12 ounces.

But there, on the far end of the heavy porn spectrum, lies Shiza porn. Shiza porn (aka, people pooping on each other – typically Europeans) is commonly known as one of the most sexually satisfying things to masturbate to dense forms of pornography you can download to your computer, weighing in at an average of 14 ounces per file. If you have a rather robust and pungent collection of shiza porn, then you’re looking at a hard drive that’s being weighed down by upwards of 83 pounds of digital shit.

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We Hope We’ve Helped!